Have you ever poured all your energy into something, only to wonder if it’s truly worth the effort? Perhaps you’re working hard to change a situation that feels stuck or pushing toward a goal that seems constantly out of reach. There’s a term for this: tilting at windmills.
This phrase originates from Miguel de Cervantes’ classic novel Don Quixote. In the story, Don Quixote charges at what he believes are menacing giants, only to discover they’re just harmless windmills. Over time, the term has come to symbolize fighting unwinnable or unnecessary battles—expending effort on challenges that may not be solvable or even worth pursuing.
Are You Fighting Your Own Windmills?
Think about a goal or struggle that’s been wearing you down. Is it a job where you feel undervalued, yet you keep hoping things will improve? Or perhaps it’s trying to change someone’s behavior, believing that if you say or do the right thing, they’ll finally see your perspective.
Sometimes, we hold onto battles because they feel meaningful, or we believe victory will bring fulfillment. But at times, the battle itself becomes more draining than rewarding. Research supports this idea: letting go of unattainable goals—a concept known as goal disengagement—can significantly boost well-being. Studies show that people who release themselves from unrealistic or unproductive goals experience less stress and greater happiness (Wrosch et al., 2003). Imagine the relief and renewed energy that comes with stepping back from a pursuit that’s been exhausting you.
Why Do We Keep Tilting at Windmills?
Letting go of battles can feel incredibly difficult, and psychological factors often keep us stuck in the cycle.

1. The Sunk Cost Fallacy
   Have you ever thought, “I’ve already put so much into this—I can’t quit now”? This is the sunk cost fallacy at work. It’s the mistaken belief that past investments of time, energy, or money should determine whether we keep going, even if the effort isn’t yielding results (Arkes & Blumer, 1985). In reality, sometimes cutting your losses is the healthiest choice.
   
2. Perfectionism and Idealism
   If you’re a perfectionist, you might find it hard to let go of a goal, even when it’s clearly unattainable. Perfectionism often traps us in cycles of chasing unrealistic standards, leading to frustration and burnout (Flett & Hewitt, 2002).
   
3. The Need for Control
   Many of us feel compelled to “fix” situations or relationships, even when they’re beyond our influence. Stephen Covey, in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, emphasizes the importance of focusing on your “circle of influence”—the aspects of life you can actually control. Spending energy outside this circle only leads to frustration and exhaustion.
   

Signs You’re Tilting at Windmills
If you’re unsure whether a challenge is worth pursuing, here are some signs it might be a windmill:

• Constant frustration or exhaustion: If the effort leaves you feeling drained rather than motivated, it may be time to reevaluate.
• Lack of progress despite hard work: When your efforts yield little to no results, consider whether your energy could be better spent elsewhere.
• Clinging to past investment: If you’re continuing purely because of how much you’ve already invested, you might be falling into the sunk cost trap.
• Misaligned values: Are you pursuing this goal because it aligns with your true desires, or because of external expectations?

Why Letting Go Isn’t Giving Up
Walking away from a draining pursuit isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign of strength. Studies show that letting go of unattainable goals can lead to less depression and greater life satisfaction (Wrosch et al., 2007). When you step back from battles that don’t serve you, you create space for pursuits that align with your values and bring genuine fulfillment.
Letting go isn’t about giving up; it’s about choosing where to direct your energy for maximum impact.
How to Stop Tilting at Windmills
If you’re ready to move on from an unwinnable battle, here are steps to help you refocus:

1. Identify What You Can Control: Reflect on which parts of your situation are truly within your influence. Shifting your energy toward these areas can be freeing.
2. Reframe Letting Go: Instead of seeing it as giving up, view it as a choice for freedom and growth.
3. Check in With Your Values: Ask whether your pursuit aligns with what you genuinely want or if it’s driven by outdated beliefs or external expectations.
4. Seek New Perspectives: Talking to a trusted friend, mentor, or coach can help you gain clarity and see your situation from a different angle.

Final Thoughts: Choosing Where to Focus
We all have goals or ideals we hold onto, sometimes longer than we should. Recognizing when you’re tilting at windmills and choosing to redirect your energy is an act of courage. It allows you to focus on what truly matters and opens the door to new opportunities.
As you reflect on the year ahead, ask yourself: Are there any “windmills” you’re ready to let go of? Have you experienced the relief of stepping back from a draining battle?

I recently came across a fascinating article in the Harvard Business Review that sheds light on how men and women approach leadership under stress. For years, society has perpetuated the idea that effective leaders are unemotional and hyper-rational, often to the detriment of women, who are stereotyped as “too emotional” to lead. However, this research flips that notion on its head, showing that women may actually excel in emotional resilience, particularly in high-stress situations.
Surprising Findings on Anxiety, Hope, and Leadership
The study examined two emotions that frequently emerge during uncertainty: anxiety and hope. Most of us can relate to the sensations these emotions bring—anxiety makes us feel out of control, while hope provides a sense of steadiness and optimism. These emotions, while universal, impact men and women leaders differently.
The researchers discovered that men’s leadership behaviors often shifted dramatically depending on their emotional state. When men felt anxious, they were more likely to display frustration or engage in harsher behaviors, such as criticism or even rudeness, as a way to regain control. Conversely, when men felt hopeful, their leadership behaviors became more supportive and empathetic.
Women, on the other hand, presented a different pattern. Despite reporting higher levels of anxiety than men, women leaders maintained steady and supportive leadership behaviors, prioritizing their team members’ needs over their own emotional turbulence. This steadiness occurred regardless of whether they felt anxious or hopeful, highlighting a unique emotional resilience.
Why Women Leaders Are Less Driven by Emotion
This difference can be traced back to socialization and societal expectations. Women are often encouraged to prioritize the needs of others, which can translate into a focus on their team during stressful situations. Rather than allowing their personal emotions to dictate their actions, they manage these feelings internally—a concept known in psychology as emotional labor.
Emotional labor involves regulating one’s emotions to maintain stability and support for others. This skill, often expected of women in both personal and professional settings, contradicts outdated stereotypes of women being “too emotional” for leadership. Instead, it underscores their ability to remain calm and compassionate, even in the face of uncertainty.
Why This Matters for Leadership Today
This research challenges traditional ideas about what makes an effective leader. In today’s workplaces, employees increasingly seek leaders who display empathy and understanding—qualities that help teams navigate uncertain and challenging times. The findings suggest that women may already be practicing these skills naturally, often to the benefit of their teams.
Yet, there’s a double standard at play. While men are often rewarded for showing warmth and compassion in leadership, women leaders may face penalties for being perceived as “too emotional” or overly nurturing. This double bind reinforces outdated biases and can make it harder for women to receive the recognition they deserve.
How to Spot These Dynamics in Your Own Workplace
The next time you’re observing leadership dynamics in your workplace, consider these questions:

• Have you noticed differences in how male and female leaders respond to stress or uncertainty?
• Do certain leaders seem to naturally offer more compassionate or supportive leadership during challenging times?
• Are there noticeable differences in how male and female leaders are perceived when they show emotions in the workplace?

Recognizing these patterns can help you identify areas where leadership diversity and emotional resilience are either celebrated or undervalued.
Emotional Resilience and Compassion Are Leadership Essentials
This research highlights that emotional resilience and compassionate leadership are not just “nice to have”—they’re essential for creating workplaces that thrive under pressure. Recognizing the value of diverse leadership styles, especially during challenging times, can pave the way for more inclusive and effective workplaces.
What about you? Do these findings resonate with your own observations or experiences? Have you noticed these dynamics play out in your professional life? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

The other day, I was listening to a podcast where the host made a point that resonated deeply with me: the importance of giving and receiving compliments. They talked about how, if it feels difficult to compliment yourself, you can start by appreciating others. Sometimes, through this simple act of kindness, you begin to see your own value reflected back.
This got me thinking about an experience I had growing up. In one of the schools I attended, compliments weren’t just rare—they were actively ridiculed. If you complimented someone, it wasn’t seen as kind or thoughtful. Instead, you were mocked, branded as weak, and made to feel embarrassed for showing appreciation. Kindness wasn’t celebrated; it was perceived as a form of vulnerability, something to be avoided.

Toughness Norms: When Kindness Equals Weakness
This painful experience reflects a dynamic that’s not uncommon in certain social environments. Psychologists refer to it as “toughness norms,” where competition, dominance, and self-reliance are valued above empathy and connection. In these settings, kindness—or even something as simple as a compliment—can be seen as a sign of weakness.
This phenomenon aligns with social dominance theory (Sidanius & Pratto, 1999), which explains how hierarchies within groups are maintained. In environments that prioritize toughness, compliments or other acts of kindness may break the unspoken rules of dominance and self-sufficiency. Instead of fostering connection, these norms discourage expressions of warmth and appreciation, often leading to ridicule or social exclusion.
The Impact on Self-Worth
Growing up in an environment where compliments are mocked or discouraged can have a profound impact on how we perceive and give appreciation later in life. Compliments are more than just polite gestures; they’re acknowledgments of worth, skill, and connection. Research shows that positive reinforcement like compliments is critical for building self-esteem and fostering strong social bonds (Wood et al., 2010).
However, when we’re shamed for complimenting others—or receiving compliments—it can create a lasting discomfort with appreciation. People might begin to question the sincerity of compliments or feel awkward and suspicious of the giver’s motives. Instead of feeling uplifted, they may feel embarrassed or doubtful. Over time, this discomfort can erode self-esteem, making it harder to accept genuine praise.
Shifting from Toughness to Connection
So how do we break the cycle of compliment shaming and embrace appreciation as a tool for connection and self-worth?
1. Normalize Compliments
When you give a compliment, recognize that the other person may struggle to accept it. Providing specific, evidence-based compliments can make a big difference. For example, instead of saying “You’re so kind,” say, “I really appreciated your kindness when you helped me with X.” By tying the compliment to observable actions, it becomes harder for the recipient to dismiss it as insincere.
2. Learn to Receive Compliments
Accepting compliments can be just as challenging as giving them. Practice saying “thank you” without brushing off the praise or deflecting it with self-deprecation. The more you accept compliments, the more comfortable you’ll become with them.
3. Recognize Peer Pressure and Push Back
If you find yourself in environments where compliments are discouraged or mocked, be mindful of the social dynamics at play. Sometimes, simply continuing to show appreciation can inspire others to do the same, slowly shifting the group’s norms.
4. Compliment Yourself
Start small by acknowledging your own achievements and strengths. Reflect on qualities you’re proud of or things you’ve done well. Over time, this practice can build self-compassion and make it easier to appreciate yourself and others.
Moving Forward: Let’s Start a Conversation
If you’ve ever struggled with giving or receiving compliments, know that you’re not alone. Many of us have experienced this in different ways, and breaking the cycle can be a powerful step toward fostering connection and self-worth.
I’d love to hear your thoughts:

• Have you ever felt uncomfortable giving or receiving a compliment?
• What’s your relationship with compliments like?

I’ve also created a short survey to explore this topic further. It only takes a few minutes, and your responses will help spark a larger conversation about how we can embrace compliments in our lives.
Click here to take the survey
Feel free to share the survey with friends, loved ones, or anyone who might find this topic meaningful. In a future article, I’ll share the results and explore what they reveal about our collective relationship with compliments.
Thank you for reading and reflecting with me. I look forward to hearing your stories and insights!