Have you ever been shamed for complimenting?

The other day, I was listening to a podcast where the host made a point that resonated deeply with me: the importance of giving and receiving compliments. They talked about how, if it feels difficult to compliment yourself, you can start by appreciating others. Sometimes, through this simple act of kindness, you begin to see your own value reflected back.
This got me thinking about an experience I had growing up. In one of the schools I attended, compliments weren’t just rare—they were actively ridiculed. If you complimented someone, it wasn’t seen as kind or thoughtful. Instead, you were mocked, branded as weak, and made to feel embarrassed for showing appreciation. Kindness wasn’t celebrated; it was perceived as a form of vulnerability, something to be avoided.

Toughness Norms: When Kindness Equals Weakness
This painful experience reflects a dynamic that’s not uncommon in certain social environments. Psychologists refer to it as “toughness norms,” where competition, dominance, and self-reliance are valued above empathy and connection. In these settings, kindness—or even something as simple as a compliment—can be seen as a sign of weakness.
This phenomenon aligns with social dominance theory (Sidanius & Pratto, 1999), which explains how hierarchies within groups are maintained. In environments that prioritize toughness, compliments or other acts of kindness may break the unspoken rules of dominance and self-sufficiency. Instead of fostering connection, these norms discourage expressions of warmth and appreciation, often leading to ridicule or social exclusion.
The Impact on Self-Worth
Growing up in an environment where compliments are mocked or discouraged can have a profound impact on how we perceive and give appreciation later in life. Compliments are more than just polite gestures; they’re acknowledgments of worth, skill, and connection. Research shows that positive reinforcement like compliments is critical for building self-esteem and fostering strong social bonds (Wood et al., 2010).
However, when we’re shamed for complimenting others—or receiving compliments—it can create a lasting discomfort with appreciation. People might begin to question the sincerity of compliments or feel awkward and suspicious of the giver’s motives. Instead of feeling uplifted, they may feel embarrassed or doubtful. Over time, this discomfort can erode self-esteem, making it harder to accept genuine praise.
Shifting from Toughness to Connection
So how do we break the cycle of compliment shaming and embrace appreciation as a tool for connection and self-worth?
1. Normalize Compliments
When you give a compliment, recognize that the other person may struggle to accept it. Providing specific, evidence-based compliments can make a big difference. For example, instead of saying “You’re so kind,” say, “I really appreciated your kindness when you helped me with X.” By tying the compliment to observable actions, it becomes harder for the recipient to dismiss it as insincere.
2. Learn to Receive Compliments
Accepting compliments can be just as challenging as giving them. Practice saying “thank you” without brushing off the praise or deflecting it with self-deprecation. The more you accept compliments, the more comfortable you’ll become with them.
3. Recognize Peer Pressure and Push Back
If you find yourself in environments where compliments are discouraged or mocked, be mindful of the social dynamics at play. Sometimes, simply continuing to show appreciation can inspire others to do the same, slowly shifting the group’s norms.
4. Compliment Yourself
Start small by acknowledging your own achievements and strengths. Reflect on qualities you’re proud of or things you’ve done well. Over time, this practice can build self-compassion and make it easier to appreciate yourself and others.
Moving Forward: Let’s Start a Conversation
If you’ve ever struggled with giving or receiving compliments, know that you’re not alone. Many of us have experienced this in different ways, and breaking the cycle can be a powerful step toward fostering connection and self-worth.
I’d love to hear your thoughts:

• Have you ever felt uncomfortable giving or receiving a compliment?
• What’s your relationship with compliments like?

I’ve also created a short survey to explore this topic further. It only takes a few minutes, and your responses will help spark a larger conversation about how we can embrace compliments in our lives.
Click here to take the survey
Feel free to share the survey with friends, loved ones, or anyone who might find this topic meaningful. In a future article, I’ll share the results and explore what they reveal about our collective relationship with compliments.
Thank you for reading and reflecting with me. I look forward to hearing your stories and insights!

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