Standing Tall in the Face of Tall Poppy Syndrome: Embracing Success and Overcoming Criticism10/27/2024 Recently, I came across a video featuring a German emigrant to the U.S. sharing his experience of a cultural shift that resonated deeply with me. He described a subtle but powerful barrier in his homeland that stifled growth and discouraged standing out. Although he couldn’t pinpoint the cause, it immediately clicked for me—what he described was Tall Poppy Syndrome. Tall Poppy Syndrome is a social phenomenon where individuals who achieve success or stand out are “cut down” by others to maintain a sense of equality. I’ve personally encountered this dynamic throughout my career, both in my experiences and in my work with clients, particularly those who have had to overcome the weight of others’ criticism and negativity to achieve their dreams. This realization led me to reflect on my own journey and reinforced the importance of understanding Tall Poppy Syndrome to protect one’s growth and well-being. Understanding Tall Poppy Syndrome Tall Poppy Syndrome is rooted in social psychology, drawing from social comparison theory. People often measure their own self-worth by comparing themselves to others, and when someone stands out, it can evoke feelings of inadequacy or envy, leading to criticism or subtle forms of undermining behavior (Festinger, 1954). The term itself comes from the metaphor that a poppy growing taller than others will be trimmed back to maintain uniformity. This tendency to cut down “tall poppies” appears particularly common in cultures that value conformity, such as certain parts of Europe and Australia, according to research published in the Journal of Business Ethics (Feather, 1994). Instead of celebrating individual achievements, the success of others is often diminished, making it challenging for high-achieving individuals to thrive without facing criticism or backlash. Why Recognizing This Dynamic Matters Experiencing Tall Poppy Syndrome can be disheartening, whether it’s in your career, personal life, or creative pursuits. However, understanding that this negativity often stems from others’ insecurities, rather than any shortcomings of your own, can help shift your perspective and alleviate the impact of such criticism. Research shows that people with high self-determination—those who pursue personal goals aligned with intrinsic values—are less affected by envy or external criticism (Deci & Ryan, 2000). By grounding our achievements in personal growth and internal motivations, we can cultivate resilience to external judgments. I share these insights not only to help others recognize and cope with Tall Poppy Syndrome but also to encourage each of us to celebrate our success and uniqueness without guilt. Embracing our individuality and achievements can inspire those around us to do the same. Overcoming Tall Poppy Syndrome: Key Strategies If you’ve ever felt the sting of being “cut down” for standing out, here are some strategies to stay true to yourself and continue shining: Celebrate Your Wins, Big and Small
Embrace Your Uniqueness
Find Your Support Network
Respond to Criticism with Compassion
A Personal Journey with Tall Poppy Syndrome Reflecting on my own experiences, I remember back in 2010 when I developed an app about Transactional Analysis (TA). At the time, no other app seemed to cover this niche, and I was excited to offer this resource to others. When I shared it, however, a senior colleague disparaged my work, claiming her app had come first—even though, as it turned out, hers was still in development. Rather than viewing my app as a benefit to the field, she saw it as competition. The criticism was disheartening. I ended up removing the app from the store, convinced that I had somehow overstepped. Looking back, I realize I had let someone else’s insecurity derail my efforts. What truly mattered was the value the app could provide, not who released it first. It was a pivotal experience in my journey to understand and rise above Tall Poppy Syndrome, reinforcing that there is space for everyone to make their unique contributions. Another instance came when I opened a therapy center, 1.5 miles distance from an established one. Rather than recognizing the potential for collaboration, the existing center’s response was antagonistic. This reaction exemplified scarcity thinking, where competition and fear overshadow a broader view of collective benefit. These encounters helped me recognize that Tall Poppy Syndrome is often driven by fear, scarcity, and insecurity—and that true success lies in staying committed to one’s mission and values. Keep Growing, Keep Shining Tall Poppy Syndrome can be a challenge, but recognizing and understanding it is a powerful first step toward overcoming it. The next time you achieve something, take a moment to celebrate it as a testament to your hard work, passion, and perseverance. Remember that standing tall doesn’t just benefit you—it sends a ripple effect that encourages others to embrace their own growth and potential. At the end of the day, your success and uniqueness are worth celebrating. Don’t let anyone else’s discomfort convince you to shrink. Embrace your passion, your creativity, and your impact, and let your light shine for all to see.
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Midlife can be a complex and transformative period, often bringing profound emotional shifts. Recently, I found myself in a thought-provoking conversation with friends that left us deeply reflecting on these changes—specifically, how people in our circles seem to change as they reach their midlife years. We began noticing a pattern of individuals in their mid to late forties, fifties, and even younger who had become increasingly bitter, defensive, and drawn to extreme beliefs, including conspiracy theories. Though shocking at first, these changes seemed to point toward a broader trend. Initially, we wondered if this was just our perception. But the more we talked, the more it became clear that these shifts might be more common than we realized. It led us to ask: What about midlife brings these changes to the surface? Is there something deeper going on? What’s Behind the Midlife Shift?Our observations aren’t unique. Research indicates that midlife is a time of significant psychological change, and how individuals adapt varies greatly. Studies show that midlife—generally between the ages of 40 and 60—can be a particularly vulnerable period, especially if unresolved issues or unmet goals from earlier in life resurface (Jeste et al., 2020). One possible explanation for these shifts lies in how purpose and ambition (or the lack thereof) shape our mental health. Having a sense of purpose is closely linked to well-being across the lifespan (Hill & Turiano, 2014). Those who enter midlife without a clear sense of direction or a drive to achieve meaningful goals may find themselves feeling lost or dissatisfied, and this dissatisfaction often manifests as bitterness or defensiveness. A study by Wrosch and Heckhausen (2002) found that individuals who did not pursue meaningful goals earlier in life were more likely to experience regret and negative emotions during midlife. This sense of regret can lead to rigid thinking, cynicism, and a tendency to blame external factors for personal shortcomings. It’s as if the absence of ambition earlier on transforms into resentment, as individuals struggle to accept that life didn’t turn out as they had hoped. Recognizing a Pattern of BitternessAs my friends and I continued our discussion, we noticed a consistent pattern in these individuals: their bitterness didn’t emerge overnight. There were early signs—a tendency to avoid responsibility, an inclination to react with anger when challenged, and an unwillingness to self-reflect. Over time, these behaviors seemed to harden, culminating in an even greater resistance to accountability and an increased tendency to blame others. This raises an important question: What if someone became aware of this pattern in themselves? Could they change direction before these tendencies became entrenched? How might they create a more positive midlife experience? Practical Steps for Avoiding Midlife BitternessChange isn’t easy, especially when the patterns have been decades in the making. However, for those open to reflection and growth, there are steps that can help shift away from bitterness:
Ultimately, it’s never too late to change course—to pursue growth, challenge long-held beliefs, and cultivate a new sense of direction. Midlife doesn’t have to be synonymous with regret or bitterness. Instead, it can be an opportunity to reconnect with what truly matters and set a foundation for a more fulfilling future. Let’s Keep the Conversation GoingHave you noticed these patterns in yourself or others around you? How do you approach self-reflection during times of change? I’d love to hear your thoughts—let’s continue this conversation together. This past month, I decided to dive into learning a new language—Norwegian. I’ve always had a passion for languages, but this time, I chose to keep it simple and use a language app. While it might not be the most optimal method, it has been an incredibly fun and fulfilling experience. Reflecting on these past few weeks, I’ve been reminded of just how much joy and vitality language learning can bring into daily life.
A Morning Routine That Makes a Difference Every morning, after finishing my morning pages, I spend about half an hour practicing Norwegian. This simple addition to my routine has added an unexpected layer of positivity and energy to my days. It’s remarkable how small victories—mastering a tricky word, getting the pronunciation of a phrase just right, or understanding a complex sentence—can spark a sense of joy and accomplishment. What’s even more fascinating is how learning a new language fulfills various aspects of the PERMA-V model of positive psychology:
Beyond these immediate benefits, language learning also promotes increased empathy and cultural awareness. Exploring a new language opens up different perspectives and ways of thinking, fostering a greater understanding of diverse cultures and worldviews. The Benefits of Daily Language Learning Learning a new language every day is about so much more than just the final goal of fluency. It’s the daily practice and the journey itself that bring immense value. The process of consistently engaging with a new language cultivates joy, mindfulness, and a sense of accomplishment. Incorporating this practice into a morning routine provides a significant boost of energy and excitement for the day ahead. It becomes a daily act of self-care, reminding us that personal growth doesn’t always have to be a grind. Instead, it can be something we look forward to—something that enriches our lives in multiple dimensions. In addition to the mental benefits, language learning offers social and emotional rewards. As we learn a new language, we often gain a deeper appreciation of our own language and culture. This experience can lead to a more profound sense of empathy for others, especially for those who navigate different languages and cultural contexts. How to Start Reaping the Benefits If you’re considering learning a new language, know that even small, consistent efforts can lead to significant rewards. Here’s how to make the most of your language-learning journey:
Embrace the Benefits of Language Learning The experience of learning a new language offers a multitude of benefits that go far beyond simply acquiring a new skill. It enriches daily life with moments of joy and accomplishment, enhances cognitive health, and fosters a deeper sense of empathy and cultural appreciation. It’s an ongoing journey that nourishes the mind and spirit, reminding us that growth can be both enjoyable and profoundly fulfilling. So, if you’re thinking about picking up a new language, know that you’re not just learning words and grammar—you’re engaging in an activity that can transform your daily routine, strengthen your mental well-being, and open up a world of new perspectives. The journey of language learning is its own reward, and its positive impact on your life can be felt each and every day. References: Bialystok, E., Craik, F. I. M., & Luk, G. (2012). Bilingualism: Consequences for Mind and Brain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 16(4), 240-250. Bak, T. H. (2014). The impact of bilingualism on cognitive ageing and dementia. Bilingualism: Language and Cognition, 17(3), 572-574. This week, I found myself reflecting on something that comes up a lot in my sessions with clients—hustle culture and the impact it has on people. Recently, a couple of clients shared their experiences with hustle-style coaching, and it reminded me of a common pattern I’ve seen over time. This isn’t just about life coaching; it also happens in fitness, career development, and personal growth. Today, I want to talk about the differences between the hustle mentality and more sustainable, positive approaches because I see the effects so often in my work. What Happens with Hustle Culture Hustle culture is all about pushing through. It’s that “all or nothing” mentality that says you have to keep grinding, keep pushing yourself, and maintain extreme discipline to succeed. And for many people, it works—for a while. They see quick results, whether it’s weight loss, career advancement, or achieving personal goals. That initial success can feel empowering, like all the hard work is paying off. But here’s where the problem begins. The hustle mentality often doesn’t allow room for rest, reflection, or flexibility. It’s built on the idea that discipline alone is the key to success, and if you stop, even for a moment, you’re failing. For many people, this leads to burnout. They find themselves exhausted, unable to keep up with the demands they’ve set for themselves or that a coach has imposed on them. What’s worse is that when this happens, people often blame themselves. Instead of recognizing that the approach they’re using is unsustainable, they think they’ve failed because they weren’t disciplined enough or strong enough to stick with it. The inner critic becomes louder, and feelings of inadequacy take over. People start thinking, “I’m just not good enough,” or “I need to work harder,” when really, it’s the method itself that’s flawed. The Impact of Quick-Fix Coaching In fitness coaching, for example, I’ve seen clients follow programs that promise quick results—rapid weight loss, major body transformations. At first, they feel excited by the immediate progress. But these programs often demand extreme discipline, with rigid rules and no room for personal adjustment. Eventually, the results slow down or plateau, and people feel like they’ve lost momentum. That’s when burnout sets in, and they start to feel like they’ve failed, blaming themselves for not keeping up. Similarly, in career or personal development coaching, hustle culture can push people to overwork themselves. They might see quick wins—like landing a promotion or hitting a big career milestone—but they’re constantly pushing at full speed. Without time for reflection or self-care, they lose balance. When progress stalls or stress takes over, they feel defeated, as though they should have been able to keep going without breaking down. Why Positive, Sustainable Approaches Work Better There’s a big difference between this “hustle” mentality and a more sustainable, positive psychology approach. In my work, I focus on helping clients develop skills and habits that they can maintain over the long term. It’s not about quick wins or extreme discipline. Instead, it’s about understanding their strengths, working with their natural tendencies, and focusing on self-care and balance. Here’s why this matters:
Why People Blame Themselves One of the hardest things for people to realize is that when burnout happens, it’s not their fault. The hustle mentality makes them believe that if they didn’t succeed, it’s because they didn’t try hard enough. But in reality, it’s because the system they were following wasn’t built to last. These quick-fix programs set people up for a cycle of early success followed by burnout and self-blame. If you’ve ever felt this way—like you’re pushing yourself too hard and it’s still not enough—please know that it’s not about you lacking discipline or willpower. It’s about finding an approach that works for you in a sustainable way. How to Shift to a Sustainable Approach If you’re ready to move away from the hustle mentality and toward something that actually works long-term, here are a few things to consider:
The Positive Side of Sustainable Growth I’ve seen clients achieve lasting change by focusing on these more balanced, self-compassionate approaches. Instead of chasing quick wins, they’re building habits that last and learning to appreciate the journey. Sustainable growth isn’t about perfection or pushing yourself to the limit—it’s about creating a path that works for you and allows you to feel good along the way. If any of this resonates with you or you’ve found yourself stuck in a hustle cycle, I encourage you to take a step back and think about what’s really working for you. Lasting change doesn’t have to be painful. It can be rooted in self-care, awareness, and steady progress. And in the end, that’s where real growth happens. I’d love to hear your thoughts or experiences with hustle culture and whether this resonates with you. Feel free to reach out anytime. Why You Should Never Tolerate a Toxic Boss: Reclaim Your Power and Protect Your Well-Being8/30/2024
In the span of just one week, I encountered two stories that left me deeply disturbed—stories that highlight a harsh reality many people face in their workplaces today. The first was about a woman who tragically passed away in her office cubicle and wasn’t discovered for four days. Let that sink in for a moment. This is someone who was so invisible in her workplace that no one noticed her absence for nearly a week.
As if that wasn’t alarming enough, I then read about Chris Ellison, a billionaire CEO of an Australian mining company. Ellison recently made headlines for expressing his desire to keep his employees "captive" in the office. He has banned working from home and wants to prevent his employees from even stepping outside the building for a coffee break, all in the name of saving his company a few dollars. This isn’t just poor management—it’s a profound disregard for human dignity. These stories are stark reminders that no job is worth sacrificing your health, well-being, or personal power. If you find yourself working under a boss like Ellison, it’s time to seriously consider walking away. Here’s why.
Your Health and Well-Being Are Non-Negotiable
The kind of management style that seeks to exert absolute control over employees is toxic, and its effects on health are well-known. Employees under authoritarian leadership often report significantly higher stress levels and more physical health issues compared to those in more supportive environments.
When a boss prioritizes productivity over your well-being, demanding that you stay in the office for long hours without reprieve, they are actively contributing to an environment that can harm your mental and physical health. Chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout are not badges of honor; they are red flags that something is deeply wrong. No job is worth sacrificing your health for, and if your workplace leaves you feeling drained, trapped, or constantly anxious, it’s a clear sign that you need to find an environment that values your well-being as much as your work.
You Deserve Autonomy and Respect
Workplace autonomy isn’t just a luxury—it’s essential for job satisfaction and personal growth. A boss who micromanages every aspect of your workday—who even dictates whether you can leave the office for a coffee break—is not showing leadership. They are displaying control, often driven by insecurity, lack of trust, or an obsession with power.
Authoritarian leadership significantly stifles employee creativity and innovation. When employees are micromanaged and stripped of autonomy, they are less likely to engage in creative problem-solving and more likely to feel disengaged from their work. Respect for your time and autonomy is a basic requirement for a healthy work environment. A boss who disregards this, who treats employees as mere cogs in a machine, does not deserve your loyalty. You are not a prisoner; you have the right to work in an environment where your skills are valued, your autonomy is respected, and your time is yours to manage.
You’re More Than Your Job: Protect Your Work-Life Balance
Work-life balance is more than just a buzzword; it’s a vital component of a fulfilling life. The push against remote work and flexible hours, as seen in Ellison’s approach, is a direct attack on this balance. By insisting that employees remain physically present in the office at all times, such managers blur the line between work and personal life, making it nearly impossible to disconnect and recharge.
Autocratic management styles have a severe impact on work-life balance. Employees in such environments often report difficulty in maintaining healthy relationships and personal time, leading to decreased overall life satisfaction and increased risk of burnout. When work begins to consume all your time and energy, it can lead to a loss of identity outside of your job. This is dangerous because it reduces your life to a single dimension—your role as an employee. Remember, you are more than your job. Protecting your time outside of work is crucial for maintaining relationships, hobbies, and the rest that you need to sustain long-term productivity and happiness.
Reclaim Your Power: Don’t Let a Toxic Boss Define Your Worth
Perhaps the most insidious aspect of working under a controlling boss is the gradual erosion of your sense of self-worth. Over time, you may start to believe that you need to conform to their unreasonable demands to be successful or valuable. This is a dangerous and false narrative.
Toxic leadership, characterized by excessive control and manipulation, can lead to significant declines in employee well-being, including increased feelings of worthlessness and decreased job satisfaction. A good manager empowers, inspires, and trusts their employees. A toxic manager, on the other hand, seeks to dominate and control. If your boss is more interested in holding you “captive” than helping you grow, it’s a clear sign that they are using their position to exert power over you, rather than to guide or mentor you. You have the power to choose who you work for and what kind of environment you are willing to tolerate. Don’t give up that power to someone who doesn’t respect it.
Consider the Big Picture: What Are You Really Giving Up?
Before you decide to stay in a toxic work environment, ask yourself: What am I giving up to stay here? Is it worth sacrificing your health, happiness, and sense of self for a paycheck? Is the stress and anxiety worth the toll it takes on your relationships and personal life?
Often, people stay in toxic jobs because they feel they have no other option or because they’ve been conditioned to believe that this is just how work is supposed to be. This can sometimes resemble a form of psychological captivity, where employees feel an irrational sense of obligation to their work, akin to Stockholm Syndrome. They become mentally captive, not just physically, feeling an overwhelming duty to meet their boss's demands, even at the expense of their own well-being. I’ll be writing more about this in future posts, but it’s crucial to recognize these signs in your own life now. There are workplaces out there that value their employees, that understand the importance of balance, autonomy, and respect. Don’t settle for less.
A Book Recommendation: The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson
To anyone who’s found themselves under the thumb of a toxic boss, or who simply wants to understand the mindset of such individuals, I highly recommend reading The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson. In this fascinating book, Ronson explores the world of psychopathy, including how some individuals who rise to power in business may exhibit traits that are shockingly similar to those of clinical psychopaths. It’s an eye-opening read that may help you recognize when a leader’s behavior crosses the line from strict management to something far more sinister.
Final Thoughts
Nothing is worth more than your well-being. If you find yourself in a work environment that devalues you as a person, please consider your options carefully. Life is too short, and too precious, to spend it working for someone who doesn’t respect you. Don’t give your power to a stranger.
Remember, you deserve better. Protect your health, reclaim your power, and never settle for a job that makes you feel anything less than valued. Unmasking the Hype: A Deep Dive into Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy and Its Hidden Pitfalls5/23/2024 Throughout my career in psychology, I've observed a fascinating trend: certain therapeutic approaches seem to come into "fashion," capturing the interest of both professionals and the public alike. When I was deeply involved in research, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was the approach du jour. It’s interesting to note that CBT was originally developed more as a tool than a standalone therapy. Its clarity, structured approach, and ease of measurement in the short term contributed to its widespread adoption, notably within frameworks like the National Health Service. Yet, despite its popularity, CBT, like any approach, has its limitations. Following the CBT wave, mindfulness-based therapies gained prominence. However, this trend didn’t seem to hold its ground as long, transitioning more into a general practice of mindfulness rather than a structured therapeutic approach. Now, in the past few years, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy has risen to the forefront, perhaps propelled by its visibility on social media platforms. This surge in interest prompted me to explore IFS more deeply, especially in comparison to Transactional Analysis (TA), my area of specialization. Origins and Influences Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy was developed in the 1980s by Richard Schwartz, a family therapist who observed that clients often described their internal conflicts in ways that mirrored family dynamics. This led him to conceptualize the mind as consisting of multiple parts, each with distinct roles and functions, similar to members of a family. It is important to say, that translating family dynamics into the internal process had by that time already been done in other therapeutic approaches. However, as I delved deeper into Schwartz's IFS model, I noticed that it heavily incorporates techniques and concepts from established therapies, notably Transactional Analysis (TA) and Gestalt Therapy. In his book, Schwartz describes techniques that are pure Gestalt Therapy interventions but labels them as IFS. This mislabeling can be misleading and fails to acknowledge the original sources of these techniques. Similar has been done with Positive Psychology concepts. Moreover, in one part of his book, Schwartz provides an example of a client experiencing what is known in Transactional Analysis as a "script backlash." In TA, a script backlash refers to the client's resistance or negative reaction to therapeutic progress, often reflecting internal conflicts and unresolved issues. This backlash is crucial to explore and address, rather than overlook or misinterpret, as it provides valuable insights into the client's internal dynamics and potential barriers to change. Prescriptive Nature and Impact on Client Autonomy One thing that stands out to me about IFS Therapy is its prescriptive nature. Schwartz categorizes the psyche into various parts, including Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters, each with specific roles and functions. This structured roadmap is meant to help clients navigate their internal world. While this approach can offer clarity and direction for some clients, it also has its drawbacks. It requires a significant level of buy-in from clients, who must accept and work within this predefined structure. This can be limiting, as it may stifle clients' ability to explore and integrate their experiences in a more fluid and individualized manner. Additionally, the rigid categorization can lead to client dependency on the IFS framework and therapist's guidance, potentially hindering their development of independent self-awareness and coping strategies. Clients might feel constrained by the predefined roles and functions assigned to their internal parts, potentially stifling their creativity and self-discovery. Neglect of Acknowledgment for Borrowed Concepts A significant critique by of IFS Therapy is the failure to adequately acknowledge the origins of the concepts and techniques it borrows from other therapeutic modalities. For instance, the idea of internal parts closely parallels the ego states in Transactional Analysis, where Schwartz takes the concept further by renaming and slightly modifying the sub-parts. I found a repackaging of well-established techniques, presenting them as unique to IFS. This lack of acknowledgment for the foundational work done by the developers of TA, Gestalt Therapy, and others, is a concern. Recognizing and honoring the contributions of these modalities is crucial for maintaining integrity and humility within the field of psychotherapy. Integration vs. Fragmentation IFS Therapy's approach of dividing the self into multiple parts contrasts with the goal of integration in traditional psychotherapy. While IFS emphasizes understanding and harmonizing these parts, traditional approaches like Transactional Analysis and Gestalt Therapy aim to integrate the various aspects of the self into a cohesive whole. Fragmenting the self into distinct parts can have limitations, such as reinforcing a sense of disconnection or compartmentalization. It is important for therapists to foster a holistic understanding of the individual, helping clients integrate their experiences and develop a unified sense of self. This approach can support clients in achieving greater self-awareness, resilience, and emotional well-being. Concerning Trend: Life Coaches as IFS Practitioners A concerning trend that I have observed with the rise of IFS is the increasing number of life coaches who are attempting to do psychotherapy, calling themselves IFS coaches. This is nothing new, and has been done with many other therapeutic approaches. This is particularly troubling because coaching is not therapy. While coaching can be beneficial for certain aspects of personal development, it lacks the depth and rigor required for addressing serious psychological issues. Moreover, some of these IFS coaches are engaging in trauma work, which requires specialized training and expertise. Trauma work is complex and delicate, and mishandling it can have severe consequences for clients such as retraumatization. It’s essential to distinguish between coaching and therapy and ensure that only qualified professionals undertake therapeutic interventions, especially when dealing with trauma. Conclusion I have decided not to offer people IFS therapy. The reason for this decision is that I value people's autonomy and independence too much. Ultimately, as a psychotherapist, whatever my client's goal is, mine, for the client, is always autonomy and independence and for my clients to be whole and authentic. The prescriptive nature of IFS just doesn't sit well with me.
I have heard that people have had good experiences with IFS. However, I have also observed a significant amount of defragmentation and disconnection from the self. While the concept provides a structured approach, it may not foster the holistic integration that I believe is crucial for genuine healing and self-awareness. It is essential to critically examine whether new schools of thought and therapies represent genuine innovations or are simply tweaks of existing concepts. Ultimately, the most effective therapy is not the one that's most in vogue, but the one that resonates with an individual's unique journey towards healing and self-discovery. Conducting proper research to support therapeutic interventions is crucial for ensuring their efficacy and ethical application. Trust in the process of discovering what truly works for you. With Valentine’s Day coming closer I am aware that this day is not celebrated by everyone. I’d like to encourage you to look at this article not just from a couple perspective, but also from how you can apply what I will be sharing with you to other relationships — where appropriate. Going with the theme of relationships, I want to talk to you about how a couple’s nervous systems can interact with each other. That’s right! How our nervous systems interact can have a big impact on our relationships, and our mental and physical health. So what’s it all about?Studies have shown that when two people are in a relationship, their nervous systems are constantly interacting with each other. For example, one study published in the journal “Psychoneuroendocrinology” found that when couples hold hands, their heart rate and stress levels decrease (Light et al., 2005). Another study published in the “Journal of Social Psychology” found that couples who hug and touch each other regularly experience lower levels of stress and anxiety (Grewen et al., 2005). What does this mean for couples? It means that by co-regulating each other’s nervous systems, couples can help to reduce stress and promote relaxation. But what exactly is co-regulation? Co-regulation is the process of supporting and balancing each other’s nervous systems. The positive impact of a regulated nervous system
Whether you struggle with low self-esteem or want to improve your relationships and/or leadership style, knowing your character strengths and becoming familiar with strength-based tools will be the greatest tools you can add to your life tool box. Here are some ways to find your strengths and live life with purpose! What is Strengths-Based Psychology? Strengths-based psychology is an approach to psychology that sees people as more than just a set of problems to be fixed. Rather, it focuses on what can be done to help people become their best selves, both in terms of relating to others and being productive. A great assessment you can take to learn more about your character strenghts is the VIA Character Strengths Survey. There, you will get to know what your top 5 Character Strengths are. Next, explore how these strengths might manifest themselves in your life. What would happen if you put more effort into using your natural talents? Would it have any effect on the people around you? Use daily gratitude practice to also reflect on your day in terms of what character strengths you have used. Maybe you had to negiotiate something or compromise. In this sitiuation you might have shown empathy, social intelligence and communication skills. Or maybe you cooked dinner for friends or family, in which case you could have used your kindness, generosity and creativity. See, it's that easy. How strengths-based approaches can combat negativity bias I have a theory. What we focus on the most influences our neural pathways. The more we work in a certain way, the harder it is to deviate away from that. Therapists and coaches with an attitude as the one above are not only making it harder to let go of the negative, but can unintentionally prevent their clients from moving into a place of flourishing. It is a self-feeding negativity loop. Let's look at what happens when you add an awareness of character strengths into your everyday life: You learn to identify your wins easier. Your brain has plasticity, you are training your brain to identify not only your own, but other people's strengths. By doing that you are enhancing the strength of gratitude and appreciation. As a result your relationships become more positive, deeper and more meaningful. You experience what we call “Positivity Resonance”, a positive bonding experience. As a result your self-esteem grows. It's an endless upward spiral into florishing. And yet, so many practitioners refuse to incorporate this into their work. You might be saying:"But I don't want to run around with rose-tinted glasses!" Don't worry, your brain has an inbuilt negativity bias to protect your from harm. All that positive approaches do is to shift your perception and vision into “reality”. You see the whole spectrum, not just the negative. It's like getting a new pair of glasses but for your life. Why people get stuck in therapy Let me share an experience I had a few weeks ago during a training weekend for a course I am currently taking: One of the tasks we have been given is to do a 20-minute presentation on a topic we feel passionate about. We are asked to suggest topics and then the whole group would vote on what presentations to take further. A majority of the topics were on, yes, you guessed it, problems and difficulties. I suggested positive psychology. There was zero reaction and zero interest from fellow psychotherapists. To me, this is a disappointment, but no surprise. Therapists can also get stuck in a negativity bias loop. In humanistic therapies Positive Psychology can often be perceived as a fad and “not deep enough”. The vast amounts of scientific evidence are being discounted. The majority of my clients are people who have been stuck in therapy but want to give it one more final try. They often report that their therapist kept looking backwards instead of towards a better future. They have gained more awareness in therapy but still don't know how to move forward. When they mentioned that they don't want to look into the past anymore, the therapist would see that as a defence and make that the focus of the session. It's time to work differently. Fixing a problem is not automatically creating something good. Strengths-based leadership today I don't usually bring politics into my emails, but here we have a perfect example of great leadership. One of the most inspiring leaders of today is Volodymyr Zelenskyy. His resolve, defiance and resilience is not just inspiring and moving the Ukrainian people, but it is also touching the entire world. How does he do that? Yes, we feel empathy seeing the pictures of destruction. People fleeing and seeking refuge. But there is another aspect that touches us: People are being seen and heard. Zelenskyy keeps reminding not only his people but other world leaders and their citizens of their humanity, their character and their strengths. He talks of loyalty, humanity, faith, trust, bravery, perseverance, love, kindness, fairness, leadership, gratitude, hope and even brings in humor in the darkest of times. He sees and appreciates the support he gets and asks for what he and his people need whilst at the same time not being afraid to also critize without hate. This is why we identify. And this is why we are so moved to show support, civilians take up arms and build defenses, people take refugees into their homes. If a country's leader can do all that, imagine what you can do. A litte exercise for you to do with a friend
Get together with a friend or your partner and each share for one minute a story of when you were at your best. Try to listen to what strengths the other has exhibited and note them down. After each of you has shared their story, read to eachother the strengths you have identified and evidence them by pointing to the story. Reflect on how this made you feel. Did you feel seen? Did you feel appreciated? Did it feel good to focus on the positives of your friend or partner? Setting boundaries can include choosing what you want from your life and deciding who deserves to share those parts with you. The hard thing about setting boundaries is that many people might not like them. You must be true to yourself and do what is best for you as an individual, even if it means disappointing others. Here are some ways to start going through the process of setting healthy boundaries in your life. Sometimes a little self-awareness goes a long way in strengthening boundaries. The truth is that it can take a lot of courage to say no to someone, but it's important to stand your ground. Why Boundaries Are Necessary
Setting boundaries is crucial because it gives you the freedom to make choices without feeling pressured. Boundaries are what keep us from doing things we might regret. When you hold others responsible for their actions, they are less likely to try taking advantage of you. Setting boundaries also ensures that other people understand that you have your own life and don't need them to take care of you. You deserve to live a life where you can fully be yourself, not just an extension of another person's desires. Define your boundaries One of the first steps to setting boundaries is to think about what you want. Think about what your boundaries are and how they might affect your life. For example, do you want more free time? If so, you might need to free yourself off from something or someone to consider what you really want. That might be the friend who consistently turns up when they want something but then disappear when you need them. Or it might be a project that takes your time but doesn’t go anywhere and needs re-evaluating. It could even be your job. Another important step in the process is to think about how your boundaries will be received. It can be difficult to set boundaries with people who have been close to us for a long time, but it's crucial if those people don't respect your needs or wants. I remember a client many years ago who, whenever she met a certain friend for coffee, ended up paying. Her friend always had an excuse. At first, my client felt guilty even thinking about the fact that her friend might be taking advantage of her. This is the kind of generous person she was. She was too anxious to have a straightforward chat with her friend about what is happening as she did not want to sound accusatory and possibly lose that friend. There was of course much more to unwrap there, but for now, we needed a quick solution so I set her a challenge: Next time you go for a coffee only take enough money to pay for your drink. Don’t take cards. She was so conditioned by her friend’s unwillingness to take responsibility for her bill that she straight away got worried about her friend: “What if she really didn’t bring any money and then she will be in trouble?” “Did you say you are inviting her for a coffee?”, I asked. No, she didn’t. Her friend keeps saying that next time she will pay but then ends up finding another excuse not to and my client keeps paying the bill. “I promise you, she will have money, “ I reassured her. One week later my client returned with a smile: “I did what you suggested. It was hard. When it came to paying my friend said she forgot her purse. Because I only took enough for my coffee I had no choice but not to rescue her as usual. Miraculously my friend found her card in her handbag.” It was time to re-evaluate that friendship and to have an honest and open conversation. This is only a small example of how we can even get conditioned to having our boundaries violated and then being taken advantage of. Consider whether or not you are willing to let people go if they don't agree with the boundaries that you have set. Remember that this does not necessarily mean being unfriendly or cutting people out of your life entirely; it just means being true to yourself and doing what’s best for you as an individual, even if it means disappointing others. Create a plan to follow through on your boundaries It can be hard to set boundaries, but it is possible. There are two parts to the process that will make setting boundaries successful. First, you must assess your current situation and relationships. This includes specific things like whether you want a relationship with someone, whether friendship, romantically or professionally. Think about what your ideal relationship with this person or situation is. Next, create an action plan for how you'll follow through on these boundaries. Whatever boundary you create, find out how to follow through on it and then do it! Take action and tell people your boundaries When someone does something you don't like, let them know how you feel about the situation. For example, if a friend asks for money every time they see you and that gets old quickly, let them know that you don't have any more money to give them. Be honest and direct with the person, but stay calm throughout the interaction. Another way to set healthy boundaries is by being clear about what your expectations are for different situations in your life. If someone wants some of your time or attention, be clear about when you are available or what kind of attention you are willing to give them. What if no one wants to respect my boundaries? If you set a boundary but no one wants to respect it, it may be time to re-evaluate. If you have tried setting boundaries with someone and they continue to push back or violate your boundary, then it may be time to reconsider the friendship or partnership. On the other hand, if the person respects your boundaries, then that’s great! You have found someone who will give you the space that you need. Boundaries are key to healthy relationships and avoiding negative feelings. Setting boundaries with those around you, as well as with yourself, can be difficult. But it is possible to set boundaries and still have the relationships you want. Setting boundaries is the perfect testing ground to see if a relationship works for you or not. When is the last time you evaluated your boundaries? It's only natural for humans to resist change. It takes time, dedication, and energy to make changes. But the world around us is rapidly changing, and adaptability is one of the most important skills you can have to thrive in this fast-paced world. It may be difficult to recognize your own adaptability levels at first glance. This article will teach you how to recognize different types of adaptability and how to adapt to change. The Importance of Adaptability in the World The world is a quickly-changing place. You may be reluctant to make changes yourself, but adapting to the constant change around us is critical for success. If you can't adapt, changes will leave you behind. In contrast to the predictable environment of yesteryear, today's world presents a slew of challenges and opportunities. Some days, it's difficult to keep up with all of the fresh information that whizzes past our screens and into our brains. But being out of sync isn't just frustrating. Those who thrive are those who learn from those who have come before them and have adapted to changing conditions with ease. Here are some signs that you might need to work on your adaptability: - You resist change even when it's good for you - You look back instead of looking forward - You resist learning new things - You prefer predictable situations to unpredictable ones What Is Adaptability Actually? Adaptability is the ability to adjust or change oneself to new circumstances. The concept of adaptability can be applied in many situations, such as at work, with friends, and in relationships. It's important to note that not everyone has the same levels of natural adaptability skills. Some people are more naturally flexible by nature, while others may need to work harder. However, there are ways you can improve even if you're on the less flexible end of the spectrum! Different Kinds Of Adaptability There are three different types of adaptability skills. The first type is called passive-adaptation, which is the skill of adjusting to your environment without too much conscious effort. You may not even notice that you're doing it! The second type is called active-adaptation, which is the skill of changing your environment to suit you. It's similar to the first type but requires more mental engagement. Finally, there's interactive-adaptation, which is the skill of changing both yourself and your surroundings at the same time. This third category requires a lot of work and can be exhausting or even frustrating at times. If you find that you struggle with one or more types, don't worry! There are many ways to improve your skills in order to better adapt to any situation. Some tips include: * Meditating regularly * Working on difficult conversations * Practicing mindfulness during challenging moments How To Adapt To Change 1. Don't be afraid to try new things - Change can be scary, but it's also exciting. You don't know what change has in store for you, and that's what makes it exhilarating. There's no better way to grow than by taking risks and trying new things. Engage your child-like curiosity. 2. Get creative - You can never predict how a situation is going to turn out, and that means you should always prepare for the best and worst. The best way to do this is to remain open-minded and get creative when handling unexpected changes in your life. Engage your playfulness. 3. Don't quit when the going gets tough - When faced with an obstacle, some people will feel like giving up or settling for less than they deserve because they think it's the easier thing to do. You'll never get what you want if you settle for less than what you deserve in life—don't give up at the first hurdle. However, it is also important to know when it's time to quit. Don't stick with something just for the sake of it. 4. Have faith - Sometimes without warning, everything changes in our lives all at once. When these storms come along, have faith that everything is going to work out eventually because there are so many opportunities around every corner, you just have to keep looking for them! And yes, this can sound overly optimistic if you are going through a rough patch in life or work, but help often arrives at the most unexpected moments. 5. Be open-minded. I said it before, I say it again. Even if everyone around you is a stickler for doing the same things over and over again, be open to new perspectives and opportunities. Sometimes going against the grain will be your biggest advantage. |
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