Have you ever poured all your energy into something, only to wonder if it’s truly worth the effort? Perhaps you’re working hard to change a situation that feels stuck or pushing toward a goal that seems constantly out of reach. There’s a term for this: tilting at windmills.
This phrase originates from Miguel de Cervantes’ classic novel Don Quixote. In the story, Don Quixote charges at what he believes are menacing giants, only to discover they’re just harmless windmills. Over time, the term has come to symbolize fighting unwinnable or unnecessary battles—expending effort on challenges that may not be solvable or even worth pursuing.
Are You Fighting Your Own Windmills?
Think about a goal or struggle that’s been wearing you down. Is it a job where you feel undervalued, yet you keep hoping things will improve? Or perhaps it’s trying to change someone’s behavior, believing that if you say or do the right thing, they’ll finally see your perspective.
Sometimes, we hold onto battles because they feel meaningful, or we believe victory will bring fulfillment. But at times, the battle itself becomes more draining than rewarding. Research supports this idea: letting go of unattainable goals—a concept known as goal disengagement—can significantly boost well-being. Studies show that people who release themselves from unrealistic or unproductive goals experience less stress and greater happiness (Wrosch et al., 2003). Imagine the relief and renewed energy that comes with stepping back from a pursuit that’s been exhausting you.
Why Do We Keep Tilting at Windmills?
Letting go of battles can feel incredibly difficult, and psychological factors often keep us stuck in the cycle.

1. The Sunk Cost Fallacy
   Have you ever thought, “I’ve already put so much into this—I can’t quit now”? This is the sunk cost fallacy at work. It’s the mistaken belief that past investments of time, energy, or money should determine whether we keep going, even if the effort isn’t yielding results (Arkes & Blumer, 1985). In reality, sometimes cutting your losses is the healthiest choice.
   
2. Perfectionism and Idealism
   If you’re a perfectionist, you might find it hard to let go of a goal, even when it’s clearly unattainable. Perfectionism often traps us in cycles of chasing unrealistic standards, leading to frustration and burnout (Flett & Hewitt, 2002).
   
3. The Need for Control
   Many of us feel compelled to “fix” situations or relationships, even when they’re beyond our influence. Stephen Covey, in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, emphasizes the importance of focusing on your “circle of influence”—the aspects of life you can actually control. Spending energy outside this circle only leads to frustration and exhaustion.
   

Signs You’re Tilting at Windmills
If you’re unsure whether a challenge is worth pursuing, here are some signs it might be a windmill:

• Constant frustration or exhaustion: If the effort leaves you feeling drained rather than motivated, it may be time to reevaluate.
• Lack of progress despite hard work: When your efforts yield little to no results, consider whether your energy could be better spent elsewhere.
• Clinging to past investment: If you’re continuing purely because of how much you’ve already invested, you might be falling into the sunk cost trap.
• Misaligned values: Are you pursuing this goal because it aligns with your true desires, or because of external expectations?

Why Letting Go Isn’t Giving Up
Walking away from a draining pursuit isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign of strength. Studies show that letting go of unattainable goals can lead to less depression and greater life satisfaction (Wrosch et al., 2007). When you step back from battles that don’t serve you, you create space for pursuits that align with your values and bring genuine fulfillment.
Letting go isn’t about giving up; it’s about choosing where to direct your energy for maximum impact.
How to Stop Tilting at Windmills
If you’re ready to move on from an unwinnable battle, here are steps to help you refocus:

1. Identify What You Can Control: Reflect on which parts of your situation are truly within your influence. Shifting your energy toward these areas can be freeing.
2. Reframe Letting Go: Instead of seeing it as giving up, view it as a choice for freedom and growth.
3. Check in With Your Values: Ask whether your pursuit aligns with what you genuinely want or if it’s driven by outdated beliefs or external expectations.
4. Seek New Perspectives: Talking to a trusted friend, mentor, or coach can help you gain clarity and see your situation from a different angle.

Final Thoughts: Choosing Where to Focus
We all have goals or ideals we hold onto, sometimes longer than we should. Recognizing when you’re tilting at windmills and choosing to redirect your energy is an act of courage. It allows you to focus on what truly matters and opens the door to new opportunities.
As you reflect on the year ahead, ask yourself: Are there any “windmills” you’re ready to let go of? Have you experienced the relief of stepping back from a draining battle?

I recently came across a fascinating article in the Harvard Business Review that sheds light on how men and women approach leadership under stress. For years, society has perpetuated the idea that effective leaders are unemotional and hyper-rational, often to the detriment of women, who are stereotyped as “too emotional” to lead. However, this research flips that notion on its head, showing that women may actually excel in emotional resilience, particularly in high-stress situations.
Surprising Findings on Anxiety, Hope, and Leadership
The study examined two emotions that frequently emerge during uncertainty: anxiety and hope. Most of us can relate to the sensations these emotions bring—anxiety makes us feel out of control, while hope provides a sense of steadiness and optimism. These emotions, while universal, impact men and women leaders differently.
The researchers discovered that men’s leadership behaviors often shifted dramatically depending on their emotional state. When men felt anxious, they were more likely to display frustration or engage in harsher behaviors, such as criticism or even rudeness, as a way to regain control. Conversely, when men felt hopeful, their leadership behaviors became more supportive and empathetic.
Women, on the other hand, presented a different pattern. Despite reporting higher levels of anxiety than men, women leaders maintained steady and supportive leadership behaviors, prioritizing their team members’ needs over their own emotional turbulence. This steadiness occurred regardless of whether they felt anxious or hopeful, highlighting a unique emotional resilience.
Why Women Leaders Are Less Driven by Emotion
This difference can be traced back to socialization and societal expectations. Women are often encouraged to prioritize the needs of others, which can translate into a focus on their team during stressful situations. Rather than allowing their personal emotions to dictate their actions, they manage these feelings internally—a concept known in psychology as emotional labor.
Emotional labor involves regulating one’s emotions to maintain stability and support for others. This skill, often expected of women in both personal and professional settings, contradicts outdated stereotypes of women being “too emotional” for leadership. Instead, it underscores their ability to remain calm and compassionate, even in the face of uncertainty.
Why This Matters for Leadership Today
This research challenges traditional ideas about what makes an effective leader. In today’s workplaces, employees increasingly seek leaders who display empathy and understanding—qualities that help teams navigate uncertain and challenging times. The findings suggest that women may already be practicing these skills naturally, often to the benefit of their teams.
Yet, there’s a double standard at play. While men are often rewarded for showing warmth and compassion in leadership, women leaders may face penalties for being perceived as “too emotional” or overly nurturing. This double bind reinforces outdated biases and can make it harder for women to receive the recognition they deserve.
How to Spot These Dynamics in Your Own Workplace
The next time you’re observing leadership dynamics in your workplace, consider these questions:

• Have you noticed differences in how male and female leaders respond to stress or uncertainty?
• Do certain leaders seem to naturally offer more compassionate or supportive leadership during challenging times?
• Are there noticeable differences in how male and female leaders are perceived when they show emotions in the workplace?

Recognizing these patterns can help you identify areas where leadership diversity and emotional resilience are either celebrated or undervalued.
Emotional Resilience and Compassion Are Leadership Essentials
This research highlights that emotional resilience and compassionate leadership are not just “nice to have”—they’re essential for creating workplaces that thrive under pressure. Recognizing the value of diverse leadership styles, especially during challenging times, can pave the way for more inclusive and effective workplaces.
What about you? Do these findings resonate with your own observations or experiences? Have you noticed these dynamics play out in your professional life? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

The other day, I was listening to a podcast where the host made a point that resonated deeply with me: the importance of giving and receiving compliments. They talked about how, if it feels difficult to compliment yourself, you can start by appreciating others. Sometimes, through this simple act of kindness, you begin to see your own value reflected back.
This got me thinking about an experience I had growing up. In one of the schools I attended, compliments weren’t just rare—they were actively ridiculed. If you complimented someone, it wasn’t seen as kind or thoughtful. Instead, you were mocked, branded as weak, and made to feel embarrassed for showing appreciation. Kindness wasn’t celebrated; it was perceived as a form of vulnerability, something to be avoided.

Toughness Norms: When Kindness Equals Weakness
This painful experience reflects a dynamic that’s not uncommon in certain social environments. Psychologists refer to it as “toughness norms,” where competition, dominance, and self-reliance are valued above empathy and connection. In these settings, kindness—or even something as simple as a compliment—can be seen as a sign of weakness.
This phenomenon aligns with social dominance theory (Sidanius & Pratto, 1999), which explains how hierarchies within groups are maintained. In environments that prioritize toughness, compliments or other acts of kindness may break the unspoken rules of dominance and self-sufficiency. Instead of fostering connection, these norms discourage expressions of warmth and appreciation, often leading to ridicule or social exclusion.
The Impact on Self-Worth
Growing up in an environment where compliments are mocked or discouraged can have a profound impact on how we perceive and give appreciation later in life. Compliments are more than just polite gestures; they’re acknowledgments of worth, skill, and connection. Research shows that positive reinforcement like compliments is critical for building self-esteem and fostering strong social bonds (Wood et al., 2010).
However, when we’re shamed for complimenting others—or receiving compliments—it can create a lasting discomfort with appreciation. People might begin to question the sincerity of compliments or feel awkward and suspicious of the giver’s motives. Instead of feeling uplifted, they may feel embarrassed or doubtful. Over time, this discomfort can erode self-esteem, making it harder to accept genuine praise.
Shifting from Toughness to Connection
So how do we break the cycle of compliment shaming and embrace appreciation as a tool for connection and self-worth?
1. Normalize Compliments
When you give a compliment, recognize that the other person may struggle to accept it. Providing specific, evidence-based compliments can make a big difference. For example, instead of saying “You’re so kind,” say, “I really appreciated your kindness when you helped me with X.” By tying the compliment to observable actions, it becomes harder for the recipient to dismiss it as insincere.
2. Learn to Receive Compliments
Accepting compliments can be just as challenging as giving them. Practice saying “thank you” without brushing off the praise or deflecting it with self-deprecation. The more you accept compliments, the more comfortable you’ll become with them.
3. Recognize Peer Pressure and Push Back
If you find yourself in environments where compliments are discouraged or mocked, be mindful of the social dynamics at play. Sometimes, simply continuing to show appreciation can inspire others to do the same, slowly shifting the group’s norms.
4. Compliment Yourself
Start small by acknowledging your own achievements and strengths. Reflect on qualities you’re proud of or things you’ve done well. Over time, this practice can build self-compassion and make it easier to appreciate yourself and others.
Moving Forward: Let’s Start a Conversation
If you’ve ever struggled with giving or receiving compliments, know that you’re not alone. Many of us have experienced this in different ways, and breaking the cycle can be a powerful step toward fostering connection and self-worth.
I’d love to hear your thoughts:

• Have you ever felt uncomfortable giving or receiving a compliment?
• What’s your relationship with compliments like?

I’ve also created a short survey to explore this topic further. It only takes a few minutes, and your responses will help spark a larger conversation about how we can embrace compliments in our lives.
Click here to take the survey
Feel free to share the survey with friends, loved ones, or anyone who might find this topic meaningful. In a future article, I’ll share the results and explore what they reveal about our collective relationship with compliments.
Thank you for reading and reflecting with me. I look forward to hearing your stories and insights!

​Recently, I came across a video featuring a German emigrant to the U.S. sharing his experience of a cultural shift that resonated deeply with me. He described a subtle but powerful barrier in his homeland that stifled growth and discouraged standing out. Although he couldn’t pinpoint the cause, it immediately clicked for me—what he described was Tall Poppy Syndrome.

Tall Poppy Syndrome is a social phenomenon where individuals who achieve success or stand out are “cut down” by others to maintain a sense of equality. I’ve personally encountered this dynamic throughout my career, both in my experiences and in my work with clients, particularly those who have had to overcome the weight of others’ criticism and negativity to achieve their dreams. This realization led me to reflect on my own journey and reinforced the importance of understanding Tall Poppy Syndrome to protect one’s growth and well-being.

Understanding Tall Poppy Syndrome
Tall Poppy Syndrome is rooted in social psychology, drawing from social comparison theory. People often measure their own self-worth by comparing themselves to others, and when someone stands out, it can evoke feelings of inadequacy or envy, leading to criticism or subtle forms of undermining behavior (Festinger, 1954). The term itself comes from the metaphor that a poppy growing taller than others will be trimmed back to maintain uniformity.

This tendency to cut down “tall poppies” appears particularly common in cultures that value conformity, such as certain parts of Europe and Australia, according to research published in the Journal of Business Ethics (Feather, 1994). Instead of celebrating individual achievements, the success of others is often diminished, making it challenging for high-achieving individuals to thrive without facing criticism or backlash.

Why Recognizing This Dynamic Matters
Experiencing Tall Poppy Syndrome can be disheartening, whether it’s in your career, personal life, or creative pursuits. However, understanding that this negativity often stems from others’ insecurities, rather than any shortcomings of your own, can help shift your perspective and alleviate the impact of such criticism. Research shows that people with high self-determination—those who pursue personal goals aligned with intrinsic values—are less affected by envy or external criticism (Deci & Ryan, 2000). By grounding our achievements in personal growth and internal motivations, we can cultivate resilience to external judgments.

I share these insights not only to help others recognize and cope with Tall Poppy Syndrome but also to encourage each of us to celebrate our success and uniqueness without guilt. Embracing our individuality and achievements can inspire those around us to do the same.

Overcoming Tall Poppy Syndrome: Key Strategies
If you’ve ever felt the sting of being “cut down” for standing out, here are some strategies to stay true to yourself and continue shining:

Celebrate Your Wins, Big and Small

• Acknowledge your achievements, whether it’s a career milestone, a creative project, or a moment of personal growth. Even in the face of criticism, recognize each step forward as a reflection of your dedication and resilience.

Embrace Your Uniqueness

• Your individuality is a strength, not a weakness. Research indicates that authentic self-expression—when you embrace who you truly are—leads to increased happiness and well-being (Kernis & Goldman, 2006). While it may be tempting to blend in, standing out allows others to be inspired to embrace their own uniqueness.

Find Your Support Network

• Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you. Research underscores the importance of social support in overcoming adversity and building resilience (Cohen & Wills, 1985). Seek out mentors, friends, and colleagues who celebrate your success, helping you to maintain a positive perspective.

Respond to Criticism with Compassion

• Understand that others’ negativity often comes from their own insecurities. Rather than internalizing their criticism, respond with compassion. Stay focused on your journey, and trust in your abilities to guide you.

A Personal Journey with Tall Poppy Syndrome
Reflecting on my own experiences, I remember back in 2010 when I developed an app about Transactional Analysis (TA). At the time, no other app seemed to cover this niche, and I was excited to offer this resource to others. When I shared it, however, a senior colleague disparaged my work, claiming her app had come first—even though, as it turned out, hers was still in development. Rather than viewing my app as a benefit to the field, she saw it as competition.

The criticism was disheartening. I ended up removing the app from the store, convinced that I had somehow overstepped. Looking back, I realize I had let someone else’s insecurity derail my efforts. What truly mattered was the value the app could provide, not who released it first. It was a pivotal experience in my journey to understand and rise above Tall Poppy Syndrome, reinforcing that there is space for everyone to make their unique contributions.

Another instance came when I opened a therapy center, 1.5 miles distance from an established one. Rather than recognizing the potential for collaboration, the existing center’s response was antagonistic. This reaction exemplified scarcity thinking, where competition and fear overshadow a broader view of collective benefit. These encounters helped me recognize that Tall Poppy Syndrome is often driven by fear, scarcity, and insecurity—and that true success lies in staying committed to one’s mission and values.

Keep Growing, Keep Shining
Tall Poppy Syndrome can be a challenge, but recognizing and understanding it is a powerful first step toward overcoming it. The next time you achieve something, take a moment to celebrate it as a testament to your hard work, passion, and perseverance. Remember that standing tall doesn’t just benefit you—it sends a ripple effect that encourages others to embrace their own growth and potential.

At the end of the day, your success and uniqueness are worth celebrating. Don’t let anyone else’s discomfort convince you to shrink. Embrace your passion, your creativity, and your impact, and let your light shine for all to see.

Midlife can be a complex and transformative period, often bringing profound emotional shifts. Recently, I found myself in a thought-provoking conversation with friends that left us deeply reflecting on these changes—specifically, how people in our circles seem to change as they reach their midlife years. We began noticing a pattern of individuals in their mid to late forties, fifties, and even younger who had become increasingly bitter, defensive, and drawn to extreme beliefs, including conspiracy theories. Though shocking at first, these changes seemed to point toward a broader trend.
Initially, we wondered if this was just our perception. But the more we talked, the more it became clear that these shifts might be more common than we realized. It led us to ask: What about midlife brings these changes to the surface? Is there something deeper going on?
What’s Behind the Midlife Shift?Our observations aren’t unique. Research indicates that midlife is a time of significant psychological change, and how individuals adapt varies greatly. Studies show that midlife—generally between the ages of 40 and 60—can be a particularly vulnerable period, especially if unresolved issues or unmet goals from earlier in life resurface (Jeste et al., 2020).
One possible explanation for these shifts lies in how purpose and ambition (or the lack thereof) shape our mental health. Having a sense of purpose is closely linked to well-being across the lifespan (Hill & Turiano, 2014). Those who enter midlife without a clear sense of direction or a drive to achieve meaningful goals may find themselves feeling lost or dissatisfied, and this dissatisfaction often manifests as bitterness or defensiveness.
A study by Wrosch and Heckhausen (2002) found that individuals who did not pursue meaningful goals earlier in life were more likely to experience regret and negative emotions during midlife. This sense of regret can lead to rigid thinking, cynicism, and a tendency to blame external factors for personal shortcomings. It’s as if the absence of ambition earlier on transforms into resentment, as individuals struggle to accept that life didn’t turn out as they had hoped.
Recognizing a Pattern of BitternessAs my friends and I continued our discussion, we noticed a consistent pattern in these individuals: their bitterness didn’t emerge overnight. There were early signs—a tendency to avoid responsibility, an inclination to react with anger when challenged, and an unwillingness to self-reflect. Over time, these behaviors seemed to harden, culminating in an even greater resistance to accountability and an increased tendency to blame others.
This raises an important question: What if someone became aware of this pattern in themselves? Could they change direction before these tendencies became entrenched? How might they create a more positive midlife experience?
Practical Steps for Avoiding Midlife BitternessChange isn’t easy, especially when the patterns have been decades in the making. However, for those open to reflection and growth, there are steps that can help shift away from bitterness:

• Acknowledging Dissatisfaction
  
  ​The first step is recognizing feelings of dissatisfaction without blaming external factors. It’s about admitting, “I’m not where I want to be, and it’s affecting my outlook.” This is hard because it involves letting go of the comfort that comes with blaming others.
• Identifying Long-Standing Patterns
  
  ​Reflect on how you’ve approached challenges throughout your life. Have you avoided taking risks or pursuing goals? Were you quick to blame others when things went wrong? Recognizing these patterns can provide insight into where bitterness originates.
• Cultivating New Ambitions
  
  ​It’s never too late to set new goals. Research shows that having goals is crucial for well-being at any age (Hill & Turiano, 2014). Start by identifying small, achievable goals in areas of interest. Pursuing something meaningful can provide a new sense of fulfillment and direction.
• Engaging in Self-Compassion
  
  ​People often become bitter because they look back with regret. Practicing self-compassion means understanding that it’s okay to have made mistakes or missed opportunities. Life takes unexpected turns for everyone.
• Seeking Support and Honest Feedback
  
  ​It’s tempting to surround yourself with people who confirm your views, but this can reinforce negative thinking. Instead, seek out those who challenge you, people who ask, “What’s really going on?” Listening to such voices can provide a broader perspective and encourage growth.
• Exploring Underlying Emotions
  
  ​If you notice persistent anger or defensiveness, explore what’s beneath those emotions. Are there unmet needs or frustrations that need addressing? Working with a professional can help process these emotions constructively, rather than letting them turn into bitterness.

Staying Aware and Embracing ChangeMidlife can be a significant turning point. If you have lacked ambition or purpose in earlier years, it’s understandable that you may be more susceptible to negative patterns during your forties and fifties. However, self-awareness and a willingness to challenge ingrained behaviors can lead to a more positive, fulfilling future.
Ultimately, it’s never too late to change course—to pursue growth, challenge long-held beliefs, and cultivate a new sense of direction. Midlife doesn’t have to be synonymous with regret or bitterness. Instead, it can be an opportunity to reconnect with what truly matters and set a foundation for a more fulfilling future.
Let’s Keep the Conversation GoingHave you noticed these patterns in yourself or others around you? How do you approach self-reflection during times of change? I’d love to hear your thoughts—let’s continue this conversation together.

​This past month, I decided to dive into learning a new language—Norwegian. I’ve always had a passion for languages, but this time, I chose to keep it simple and use a language app. While it might not be the most optimal method, it has been an incredibly fun and fulfilling experience. Reflecting on these past few weeks, I’ve been reminded of just how much joy and vitality language learning can bring into daily life.

A Morning Routine That Makes a Difference
Every morning, after finishing my morning pages, I spend about half an hour practicing Norwegian. This simple addition to my routine has added an unexpected layer of positivity and energy to my days. It’s remarkable how small victories—mastering a tricky word, getting the pronunciation of a phrase just right, or understanding a complex sentence—can spark a sense of joy and accomplishment.

What’s even more fascinating is how learning a new language fulfills various aspects of the PERMA-V model of positive psychology:

• Positive Emotion: Each new word or sentence learned offers a burst of happiness and pride. Starting the day with this feeling sets a positive tone and makes the morning brighter.
• Engagement: Language learning brings me into a state of flow. During those 30 minutes, I am completely absorbed in the task. Time flies by so quickly that I often have to remind myself to stop! This level of immersion is not just satisfying; it’s deeply nourishing for mental well-being.
• Vitality: Language learning is not only fun; it’s incredibly healthy for the brain. Research shows that acquiring new skills, particularly languages, can enhance cognitive function and mental agility. For instance, studies indicate that bilingual individuals exhibit better cognitive flexibility and memory (Bialystok et al., 2012). Additionally, engaging in language learning has been linked to delaying the onset of age-related cognitive decline (Bak, 2014). Knowing that this daily practice is boosting my cognitive health adds an extra layer of vitality to my routine.

Beyond these immediate benefits, language learning also promotes increased empathy and cultural awareness. Exploring a new language opens up different perspectives and ways of thinking, fostering a greater understanding of diverse cultures and worldviews.

The Benefits of Daily Language Learning
Learning a new language every day is about so much more than just the final goal of fluency. It’s the daily practice and the journey itself that bring immense value. The process of consistently engaging with a new language cultivates joy, mindfulness, and a sense of accomplishment.

Incorporating this practice into a morning routine provides a significant boost of energy and excitement for the day ahead. It becomes a daily act of self-care, reminding us that personal growth doesn’t always have to be a grind. Instead, it can be something we look forward to—something that enriches our lives in multiple dimensions.

In addition to the mental benefits, language learning offers social and emotional rewards. As we learn a new language, we often gain a deeper appreciation of our own language and culture. This experience can lead to a more profound sense of empathy for others, especially for those who navigate different languages and cultural contexts.

How to Start Reaping the Benefits
If you’re considering learning a new language, know that even small, consistent efforts can lead to significant rewards. Here’s how to make the most of your language-learning journey:

• Set a Routine: Incorporate language learning into your daily routine, whether it’s in the morning, during lunch breaks, or in the evening. Consistency is key to making progress and feeling the benefits over time.
• Use a Variety of Resources: While apps are a great starting point, consider exploring other resources like podcasts, YouTube videos, or language exchange groups for a richer, more immersive experience.
• Celebrate Small Wins: Progress in language learning comes from the small, incremental steps. Celebrate each new word, phrase, or concept you master. Acknowledging these victories reinforces positive emotion and motivation to continue.
• Engage Your Curiosity: Use the process of learning a new language as an opportunity to explore different cultures. Dive into the music, films, literature, and customs associated with the language you’re studying. This not only makes learning more engaging but also broadens your cultural horizons.

Embrace the Benefits of Language Learning
The experience of learning a new language offers a multitude of benefits that go far beyond simply acquiring a new skill. It enriches daily life with moments of joy and accomplishment, enhances cognitive health, and fosters a deeper sense of empathy and cultural appreciation. It’s an ongoing journey that nourishes the mind and spirit, reminding us that growth can be both enjoyable and profoundly fulfilling.

So, if you’re thinking about picking up a new language, know that you’re not just learning words and grammar—you’re engaging in an activity that can transform your daily routine, strengthen your mental well-being, and open up a world of new perspectives. The journey of language learning is its own reward, and its positive impact on your life can be felt each and every day.

References:

Bialystok, E., Craik, F. I. M., & Luk, G. (2012). Bilingualism: Consequences for Mind and Brain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 16(4), 240-250.
Bak, T. H. (2014). The impact of bilingualism on cognitive ageing and dementia. Bilingualism: Language and Cognition, 17(3), 572-574.

​This week, I found myself reflecting on something that comes up a lot in my sessions with clients—hustle culture and the impact it has on people. Recently, a couple of clients shared their experiences with hustle-style coaching, and it reminded me of a common pattern I’ve seen over time. This isn’t just about life coaching; it also happens in fitness, career development, and personal growth. Today, I want to talk about the differences between the hustle mentality and more sustainable, positive approaches because I see the effects so often in my work.

What Happens with Hustle Culture
Hustle culture is all about pushing through. It’s that “all or nothing” mentality that says you have to keep grinding, keep pushing yourself, and maintain extreme discipline to succeed. And for many people, it works—for a while. They see quick results, whether it’s weight loss, career advancement, or achieving personal goals. That initial success can feel empowering, like all the hard work is paying off.

But here’s where the problem begins. The hustle mentality often doesn’t allow room for rest, reflection, or flexibility. It’s built on the idea that discipline alone is the key to success, and if you stop, even for a moment, you’re failing. For many people, this leads to burnout. They find themselves exhausted, unable to keep up with the demands they’ve set for themselves or that a coach has imposed on them.

What’s worse is that when this happens, people often blame themselves. Instead of recognizing that the approach they’re using is unsustainable, they think they’ve failed because they weren’t disciplined enough or strong enough to stick with it. The inner critic becomes louder, and feelings of inadequacy take over. People start thinking, “I’m just not good enough,” or “I need to work harder,” when really, it’s the method itself that’s flawed.

The Impact of Quick-Fix Coaching
In fitness coaching, for example, I’ve seen clients follow programs that promise quick results—rapid weight loss, major body transformations. At first, they feel excited by the immediate progress. But these programs often demand extreme discipline, with rigid rules and no room for personal adjustment. Eventually, the results slow down or plateau, and people feel like they’ve lost momentum. That’s when burnout sets in, and they start to feel like they’ve failed, blaming themselves for not keeping up.

Similarly, in career or personal development coaching, hustle culture can push people to overwork themselves. They might see quick wins—like landing a promotion or hitting a big career milestone—but they’re constantly pushing at full speed. Without time for reflection or self-care, they lose balance. When progress stalls or stress takes over, they feel defeated, as though they should have been able to keep going without breaking down.

Why Positive, Sustainable Approaches Work Better
There’s a big difference between this “hustle” mentality and a more sustainable, positive psychology approach. In my work, I focus on helping clients develop skills and habits that they can maintain over the long term. It’s not about quick wins or extreme discipline. Instead, it’s about understanding their strengths, working with their natural tendencies, and focusing on self-care and balance.

Here’s why this matters:

• Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Hustle culture often fuels the inner critic, making people feel like they’re not good enough when they can’t keep up. In contrast, a positive approach helps people develop self-compassion, recognizing that growth doesn’t have to be a grind, and it’s okay to move at a slower, more manageable pace.
• Sustainability vs. Burnout: While hustle culture leads to quick wins followed by burnout, sustainable approaches focus on gradual progress. When people work with their strengths and build healthy habits, they’re more likely to keep going without burning out.
• Lasting Confidence vs. Temporary Success: Clients who follow strength-based, person-centered approaches often discover strengths they didn’t realize they had. This builds lasting confidence and self-esteem, rather than the temporary high that comes with quick wins. They feel empowered to keep going because they’re working with themselves, not against themselves.

Why People Blame Themselves
One of the hardest things for people to realize is that when burnout happens, it’s not their fault. The hustle mentality makes them believe that if they didn’t succeed, it’s because they didn’t try hard enough. But in reality, it’s because the system they were following wasn’t built to last. These quick-fix programs set people up for a cycle of early success followed by burnout and self-blame.

If you’ve ever felt this way—like you’re pushing yourself too hard and it’s still not enough—please know that it’s not about you lacking discipline or willpower. It’s about finding an approach that works for you in a sustainable way.

How to Shift to a Sustainable Approach
If you’re ready to move away from the hustle mentality and toward something that actually works long-term, here are a few things to consider:

1. Focus on Your Strengths: What are you naturally good at? Build your approach around those strengths rather than trying to force yourself to fit into a rigid program that doesn’t align with who you are.
2. Allow for Flexibility: It’s okay to adjust your goals or take a break when you need it. Growth isn’t linear, and sometimes slowing down is exactly what you need to keep going in the long run.
3. Check In with Yourself: Regularly ask yourself how you’re feeling—both physically and mentally. If you’re starting to feel burned out, it’s a sign to re-evaluate and maybe ease up a bit.
4. Celebrate Small Wins: Progress is progress, no matter how small. Celebrate the steps you’re taking rather than focusing only on the big milestones. This helps you stay motivated without the pressure to achieve everything at once.
5. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. If you’re feeling drained or unmotivated, don’t beat yourself up. Recognize that it’s normal to feel this way, and take time to care for yourself. Self-compassion is a key part of sustainable success.

The Positive Side of Sustainable Growth
I’ve seen clients achieve lasting change by focusing on these more balanced, self-compassionate approaches. Instead of chasing quick wins, they’re building habits that last and learning to appreciate the journey. Sustainable growth isn’t about perfection or pushing yourself to the limit—it’s about creating a path that works for you and allows you to feel good along the way.

If any of this resonates with you or you’ve found yourself stuck in a hustle cycle, I encourage you to take a step back and think about what’s really working for you. Lasting change doesn’t have to be painful. It can be rooted in self-care, awareness, and steady progress. And in the end, that’s where real growth happens.

I’d love to hear your thoughts or experiences with hustle culture and whether this resonates with you. Feel free to reach out anytime.

​In the span of just one week, I encountered two stories that left me deeply disturbed—stories that highlight a harsh reality many people face in their workplaces today. The first was about a woman who tragically passed away in her office cubicle and wasn’t discovered for four days. Let that sink in for a moment. This is someone who was so invisible in her workplace that no one noticed her absence for nearly a week.
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As if that wasn’t alarming enough, I then read about Chris Ellison, a billionaire CEO of an Australian mining company. Ellison recently made headlines for expressing his desire to keep his employees "captive" in the office. He has banned working from home and wants to prevent his employees from even stepping outside the building for a coffee break, all in the name of saving his company a few dollars. This isn’t just poor management—it’s a profound disregard for human dignity.

These stories are stark reminders that no job is worth sacrificing your health, well-being, or personal power. If you find yourself working under a boss like Ellison, it’s time to seriously consider walking away. Here’s why.

Your Health and Well-Being Are Non-Negotiable

The kind of management style that seeks to exert absolute control over employees is toxic, and its effects on health are well-known. Employees under authoritarian leadership often report significantly higher stress levels and more physical health issues compared to those in more supportive environments.
When a boss prioritizes productivity over your well-being, demanding that you stay in the office for long hours without reprieve, they are actively contributing to an environment that can harm your mental and physical health. Chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout are not badges of honor; they are red flags that something is deeply wrong. No job is worth sacrificing your health for, and if your workplace leaves you feeling drained, trapped, or constantly anxious, it’s a clear sign that you need to find an environment that values your well-being as much as your work.

You Deserve Autonomy and Respect

Workplace autonomy isn’t just a luxury—it’s essential for job satisfaction and personal growth. A boss who micromanages every aspect of your workday—who even dictates whether you can leave the office for a coffee break—is not showing leadership. They are displaying control, often driven by insecurity, lack of trust, or an obsession with power.
Authoritarian leadership significantly stifles employee creativity and innovation. When employees are micromanaged and stripped of autonomy, they are less likely to engage in creative problem-solving and more likely to feel disengaged from their work.
Respect for your time and autonomy is a basic requirement for a healthy work environment. A boss who disregards this, who treats employees as mere cogs in a machine, does not deserve your loyalty. You are not a prisoner; you have the right to work in an environment where your skills are valued, your autonomy is respected, and your time is yours to manage.

You’re More Than Your Job: Protect Your Work-Life Balance

Work-life balance is more than just a buzzword; it’s a vital component of a fulfilling life. The push against remote work and flexible hours, as seen in Ellison’s approach, is a direct attack on this balance. By insisting that employees remain physically present in the office at all times, such managers blur the line between work and personal life, making it nearly impossible to disconnect and recharge.
Autocratic management styles have a severe impact on work-life balance. Employees in such environments often report difficulty in maintaining healthy relationships and personal time, leading to decreased overall life satisfaction and increased risk of burnout.
When work begins to consume all your time and energy, it can lead to a loss of identity outside of your job. This is dangerous because it reduces your life to a single dimension—your role as an employee. Remember, you are more than your job. Protecting your time outside of work is crucial for maintaining relationships, hobbies, and the rest that you need to sustain long-term productivity and happiness.

Reclaim Your Power: Don’t Let a Toxic Boss Define Your Worth

​Perhaps the most insidious aspect of working under a controlling boss is the gradual erosion of your sense of self-worth. Over time, you may start to believe that you need to conform to their unreasonable demands to be successful or valuable. This is a dangerous and false narrative.
Toxic leadership, characterized by excessive control and manipulation, can lead to significant declines in employee well-being, including increased feelings of worthlessness and decreased job satisfaction. A good manager empowers, inspires, and trusts their employees. A toxic manager, on the other hand, seeks to dominate and control. If your boss is more interested in holding you “captive” than helping you grow, it’s a clear sign that they are using their position to exert power over you, rather than to guide or mentor you.
You have the power to choose who you work for and what kind of environment you are willing to tolerate. Don’t give up that power to someone who doesn’t respect it.

Consider the Big Picture: What Are You Really Giving Up?

​Before you decide to stay in a toxic work environment, ask yourself: What am I giving up to stay here? Is it worth sacrificing your health, happiness, and sense of self for a paycheck? Is the stress and anxiety worth the toll it takes on your relationships and personal life?
Often, people stay in toxic jobs because they feel they have no other option or because they’ve been conditioned to believe that this is just how work is supposed to be. This can sometimes resemble a form of psychological captivity, where employees feel an irrational sense of obligation to their work, akin to Stockholm Syndrome. They become mentally captive, not just physically, feeling an overwhelming duty to meet their boss's demands, even at the expense of their own well-being. I’ll be writing more about this in future posts, but it’s crucial to recognize these signs in your own life now.
There are workplaces out there that value their employees, that understand the importance of balance, autonomy, and respect. Don’t settle for less.

A Book Recommendation: The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson

​To anyone who’s found themselves under the thumb of a toxic boss, or who simply wants to understand the mindset of such individuals, I highly recommend reading The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson. In this fascinating book, Ronson explores the world of psychopathy, including how some individuals who rise to power in business may exhibit traits that are shockingly similar to those of clinical psychopaths. It’s an eye-opening read that may help you recognize when a leader’s behavior crosses the line from strict management to something far more sinister.

Final Thoughts

​Nothing is worth more than your well-being. If you find yourself in a work environment that devalues you as a person, please consider your options carefully. Life is too short, and too precious, to spend it working for someone who doesn’t respect you. Don’t give your power to a stranger.

Remember, you deserve better. Protect your health, reclaim your power, and never settle for a job that makes you feel anything less than valued.

​Throughout my career in psychology, I've observed a fascinating trend: certain therapeutic approaches seem to come into "fashion," capturing the interest of both professionals and the public alike. When I was deeply involved in research, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was the approach du jour. It’s interesting to note that CBT was originally developed more as a tool than a standalone therapy. Its clarity, structured approach, and ease of measurement in the short term contributed to its widespread adoption, notably within frameworks like the National Health Service. Yet, despite its popularity, CBT, like any approach, has its limitations.

Following the CBT wave, mindfulness-based therapies gained prominence. However, this trend didn’t seem to hold its ground as long, transitioning more into a general practice of mindfulness rather than a structured therapeutic approach. Now, in the past few years, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy has risen to the forefront, perhaps propelled by its visibility on social media platforms. This surge in interest prompted me to explore IFS more deeply, especially in comparison to Transactional Analysis (TA), my area of specialization.

​Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy was developed in the 1980s by Richard Schwartz, a family therapist who observed that clients often described their internal conflicts in ways that mirrored family dynamics. This led him to conceptualize the mind as consisting of multiple parts, each with distinct roles and functions, similar to members of a family.
It is important to say, that translating family dynamics into the internal process had by that time already been done in other therapeutic approaches.

However, as I delved deeper into Schwartz's IFS model, I noticed that it heavily incorporates techniques and concepts from established therapies, notably Transactional Analysis (TA) and Gestalt Therapy. In his book, Schwartz describes techniques that are pure Gestalt Therapy interventions but labels them as IFS. This mislabeling can be misleading and fails to acknowledge the original sources of these techniques. Similar has been done with Positive Psychology concepts.

Moreover, in one part of his book, Schwartz provides an example of a client experiencing what is known in Transactional Analysis as a "script backlash." In TA, a script backlash refers to the client's resistance or negative reaction to therapeutic progress, often reflecting internal conflicts and unresolved issues. This backlash is crucial to explore and address, rather than overlook or misinterpret, as it provides valuable insights into the client's internal dynamics and potential barriers to change.

​One thing that stands out to me about IFS Therapy is its prescriptive nature. Schwartz categorizes the psyche into various parts, including Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters, each with specific roles and functions. This structured roadmap is meant to help clients navigate their internal world.

While this approach can offer clarity and direction for some clients, it also has its drawbacks. It requires a significant level of buy-in from clients, who must accept and work within this predefined structure. This can be limiting, as it may stifle clients' ability to explore and integrate their experiences in a more fluid and individualized manner. Additionally, the rigid categorization can lead to client dependency on the IFS framework and therapist's guidance, potentially hindering their development of independent self-awareness and coping strategies. Clients might feel constrained by the predefined roles and functions assigned to their internal parts, potentially stifling their creativity and self-discovery.

​A significant critique by of IFS Therapy is the failure to adequately acknowledge the origins of the concepts and techniques it borrows from other therapeutic modalities. For instance, the idea of internal parts closely parallels the ego states in Transactional Analysis, where Schwartz takes the concept further by renaming and slightly modifying the sub-parts.
I found a repackaging of well-established techniques, presenting them as unique to IFS. This lack of acknowledgment for the foundational work done by the developers of TA, Gestalt Therapy, and others, is a concern. Recognizing and honoring the contributions of these modalities is crucial for maintaining integrity and humility within the field of psychotherapy.

​IFS Therapy's approach of dividing the self into multiple parts contrasts with the goal of integration in traditional psychotherapy. While IFS emphasizes understanding and harmonizing these parts, traditional approaches like Transactional Analysis and Gestalt Therapy aim to integrate the various aspects of the self into a cohesive whole.

Fragmenting the self into distinct parts can have limitations, such as reinforcing a sense of disconnection or compartmentalization. It is important for therapists to foster a holistic understanding of the individual, helping clients integrate their experiences and develop a unified sense of self. This approach can support clients in achieving greater self-awareness, resilience, and emotional well-being.

​A concerning trend that I have observed with the rise of IFS is the increasing number of life coaches who are attempting to do psychotherapy, calling themselves IFS coaches. This is nothing new, and has been done with many other therapeutic approaches.  This is particularly troubling because coaching is not therapy. While coaching can be beneficial for certain aspects of personal development, it lacks the depth and rigor required for addressing serious psychological issues.

Moreover, some of these IFS coaches are engaging in trauma work, which requires specialized training and expertise. Trauma work is complex and delicate, and mishandling it can have severe consequences for clients such as retraumatization. It’s essential to distinguish between coaching and therapy and ensure that only qualified professionals undertake therapeutic interventions, especially when dealing with trauma.

I have decided not to offer people IFS therapy. The reason for this decision is that I value people's autonomy and independence too much. Ultimately, as a psychotherapist, whatever my client's goal is, mine, for the client, is always autonomy and independence and for my clients to be whole and authentic. The prescriptive nature of IFS just doesn't sit well with me.

I have heard that people have had good experiences with IFS. However, I have also  observed a significant amount of defragmentation and disconnection from the self. While the concept provides a structured approach, it may not foster the holistic integration that I believe is crucial for genuine healing and self-awareness.

It is essential to critically examine whether new schools of thought and therapies represent genuine innovations or are simply tweaks of existing concepts.

Ultimately, the most effective therapy is not the one that's most in vogue, but the one that resonates with an individual's unique journey towards healing and self-discovery. Conducting proper research to support therapeutic interventions is crucial for ensuring their efficacy and ethical application.
​Trust in the process of discovering what truly works for you.

With Valentine’s Day coming closer I am aware that this day is not celebrated by everyone.
I’d like to encourage you to look at this article not just from a couple perspective, but also from how you can apply what I will be sharing with you to other relationships — where appropriate.
Going with the theme of relationships, I want to talk to you about how a couple’s nervous systems can interact with each other. That’s right! How our nervous systems interact can have a big impact on our relationships, and our mental and physical health.
So what’s it all about?Studies have shown that when two people are in a relationship, their nervous systems are constantly interacting with each other. For example, one study published in the journal “Psychoneuroendocrinology” found that when couples hold hands, their heart rate and stress levels decrease (Light et al., 2005). Another study published in the “Journal of Social Psychology” found that couples who hug and touch each other regularly experience lower levels of stress and anxiety (Grewen et al., 2005).
What does this mean for couples? It means that by co-regulating each other’s nervous systems, couples can help to reduce stress and promote relaxation. But what exactly is co-regulation? Co-regulation is the process of supporting and balancing each other’s nervous systems.
The positive impact of a regulated nervous system

1. Reduced stress and anxiety
2. Improved sleep
3. Increased immunity
4. Improved digestion
5. Increased focus and concentration
6. Better physical performance

How does that look in practice?Here are five examples:

1. Slow breathing: Slow breathing is a simple and effective way for couples to co-regulate. By breathing in sync with each other, couples can help to reduce stress and promote relaxation. (Gustafsson et al., 2015).
2. Touch: Touch is a powerful tool for co-regulation. Whether it’s holding hands, cuddling, or simply giving each other a hug.(Feldman et al., 2015).
3. Spending time in nature: Spending time in nature. Whether it’s going for a walk in the park or simply sitting outside, nature can help to calm our nervous systems (Nisbet et al., 2011).
4. Sharing emotions: Sharing your emotions with your partner. By talking about how you’re feeling, couples can help each other to understand and regulate their emotions (Jacobsen et al., 2011).
5. Practicing mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness together can help to promote co-regulation. Whether it’s through meditation, yoga, or simply paying attention to your breath, mindfulness can help couples reduce stress. (Hofmann et al., 2013).

What else can you think of that might help you and your partner co-regulate? Do you have any advice or tips you’d like to share?