Have you ever poured all your energy into something, only to wonder if it’s truly worth the effort? Perhaps you’re working hard to change a situation that feels stuck or pushing toward a goal that seems constantly out of reach. There’s a term for this: tilting at windmills.
This phrase originates from Miguel de Cervantes’ classic novel Don Quixote. In the story, Don Quixote charges at what he believes are menacing giants, only to discover they’re just harmless windmills. Over time, the term has come to symbolize fighting unwinnable or unnecessary battles—expending effort on challenges that may not be solvable or even worth pursuing.
Are You Fighting Your Own Windmills?
Think about a goal or struggle that’s been wearing you down. Is it a job where you feel undervalued, yet you keep hoping things will improve? Or perhaps it’s trying to change someone’s behavior, believing that if you say or do the right thing, they’ll finally see your perspective.
Sometimes, we hold onto battles because they feel meaningful, or we believe victory will bring fulfillment. But at times, the battle itself becomes more draining than rewarding. Research supports this idea: letting go of unattainable goals—a concept known as goal disengagement—can significantly boost well-being. Studies show that people who release themselves from unrealistic or unproductive goals experience less stress and greater happiness (Wrosch et al., 2003). Imagine the relief and renewed energy that comes with stepping back from a pursuit that’s been exhausting you.
Why Do We Keep Tilting at Windmills?
Letting go of battles can feel incredibly difficult, and psychological factors often keep us stuck in the cycle.

1. The Sunk Cost Fallacy
   Have you ever thought, “I’ve already put so much into this—I can’t quit now”? This is the sunk cost fallacy at work. It’s the mistaken belief that past investments of time, energy, or money should determine whether we keep going, even if the effort isn’t yielding results (Arkes & Blumer, 1985). In reality, sometimes cutting your losses is the healthiest choice.
   
2. Perfectionism and Idealism
   If you’re a perfectionist, you might find it hard to let go of a goal, even when it’s clearly unattainable. Perfectionism often traps us in cycles of chasing unrealistic standards, leading to frustration and burnout (Flett & Hewitt, 2002).
   
3. The Need for Control
   Many of us feel compelled to “fix” situations or relationships, even when they’re beyond our influence. Stephen Covey, in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, emphasizes the importance of focusing on your “circle of influence”—the aspects of life you can actually control. Spending energy outside this circle only leads to frustration and exhaustion.
   

Signs You’re Tilting at Windmills
If you’re unsure whether a challenge is worth pursuing, here are some signs it might be a windmill:

• Constant frustration or exhaustion: If the effort leaves you feeling drained rather than motivated, it may be time to reevaluate.
• Lack of progress despite hard work: When your efforts yield little to no results, consider whether your energy could be better spent elsewhere.
• Clinging to past investment: If you’re continuing purely because of how much you’ve already invested, you might be falling into the sunk cost trap.
• Misaligned values: Are you pursuing this goal because it aligns with your true desires, or because of external expectations?

Why Letting Go Isn’t Giving Up
Walking away from a draining pursuit isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign of strength. Studies show that letting go of unattainable goals can lead to less depression and greater life satisfaction (Wrosch et al., 2007). When you step back from battles that don’t serve you, you create space for pursuits that align with your values and bring genuine fulfillment.
Letting go isn’t about giving up; it’s about choosing where to direct your energy for maximum impact.
How to Stop Tilting at Windmills
If you’re ready to move on from an unwinnable battle, here are steps to help you refocus:

1. Identify What You Can Control: Reflect on which parts of your situation are truly within your influence. Shifting your energy toward these areas can be freeing.
2. Reframe Letting Go: Instead of seeing it as giving up, view it as a choice for freedom and growth.
3. Check in With Your Values: Ask whether your pursuit aligns with what you genuinely want or if it’s driven by outdated beliefs or external expectations.
4. Seek New Perspectives: Talking to a trusted friend, mentor, or coach can help you gain clarity and see your situation from a different angle.

Final Thoughts: Choosing Where to Focus
We all have goals or ideals we hold onto, sometimes longer than we should. Recognizing when you’re tilting at windmills and choosing to redirect your energy is an act of courage. It allows you to focus on what truly matters and opens the door to new opportunities.
As you reflect on the year ahead, ask yourself: Are there any “windmills” you’re ready to let go of? Have you experienced the relief of stepping back from a draining battle?

​This past month, I decided to dive into learning a new language—Norwegian. I’ve always had a passion for languages, but this time, I chose to keep it simple and use a language app. While it might not be the most optimal method, it has been an incredibly fun and fulfilling experience. Reflecting on these past few weeks, I’ve been reminded of just how much joy and vitality language learning can bring into daily life.

A Morning Routine That Makes a Difference
Every morning, after finishing my morning pages, I spend about half an hour practicing Norwegian. This simple addition to my routine has added an unexpected layer of positivity and energy to my days. It’s remarkable how small victories—mastering a tricky word, getting the pronunciation of a phrase just right, or understanding a complex sentence—can spark a sense of joy and accomplishment.

What’s even more fascinating is how learning a new language fulfills various aspects of the PERMA-V model of positive psychology:

• Positive Emotion: Each new word or sentence learned offers a burst of happiness and pride. Starting the day with this feeling sets a positive tone and makes the morning brighter.
• Engagement: Language learning brings me into a state of flow. During those 30 minutes, I am completely absorbed in the task. Time flies by so quickly that I often have to remind myself to stop! This level of immersion is not just satisfying; it’s deeply nourishing for mental well-being.
• Vitality: Language learning is not only fun; it’s incredibly healthy for the brain. Research shows that acquiring new skills, particularly languages, can enhance cognitive function and mental agility. For instance, studies indicate that bilingual individuals exhibit better cognitive flexibility and memory (Bialystok et al., 2012). Additionally, engaging in language learning has been linked to delaying the onset of age-related cognitive decline (Bak, 2014). Knowing that this daily practice is boosting my cognitive health adds an extra layer of vitality to my routine.

Beyond these immediate benefits, language learning also promotes increased empathy and cultural awareness. Exploring a new language opens up different perspectives and ways of thinking, fostering a greater understanding of diverse cultures and worldviews.

The Benefits of Daily Language Learning
Learning a new language every day is about so much more than just the final goal of fluency. It’s the daily practice and the journey itself that bring immense value. The process of consistently engaging with a new language cultivates joy, mindfulness, and a sense of accomplishment.

Incorporating this practice into a morning routine provides a significant boost of energy and excitement for the day ahead. It becomes a daily act of self-care, reminding us that personal growth doesn’t always have to be a grind. Instead, it can be something we look forward to—something that enriches our lives in multiple dimensions.

In addition to the mental benefits, language learning offers social and emotional rewards. As we learn a new language, we often gain a deeper appreciation of our own language and culture. This experience can lead to a more profound sense of empathy for others, especially for those who navigate different languages and cultural contexts.

How to Start Reaping the Benefits
If you’re considering learning a new language, know that even small, consistent efforts can lead to significant rewards. Here’s how to make the most of your language-learning journey:

• Set a Routine: Incorporate language learning into your daily routine, whether it’s in the morning, during lunch breaks, or in the evening. Consistency is key to making progress and feeling the benefits over time.
• Use a Variety of Resources: While apps are a great starting point, consider exploring other resources like podcasts, YouTube videos, or language exchange groups for a richer, more immersive experience.
• Celebrate Small Wins: Progress in language learning comes from the small, incremental steps. Celebrate each new word, phrase, or concept you master. Acknowledging these victories reinforces positive emotion and motivation to continue.
• Engage Your Curiosity: Use the process of learning a new language as an opportunity to explore different cultures. Dive into the music, films, literature, and customs associated with the language you’re studying. This not only makes learning more engaging but also broadens your cultural horizons.

Embrace the Benefits of Language Learning
The experience of learning a new language offers a multitude of benefits that go far beyond simply acquiring a new skill. It enriches daily life with moments of joy and accomplishment, enhances cognitive health, and fosters a deeper sense of empathy and cultural appreciation. It’s an ongoing journey that nourishes the mind and spirit, reminding us that growth can be both enjoyable and profoundly fulfilling.

So, if you’re thinking about picking up a new language, know that you’re not just learning words and grammar—you’re engaging in an activity that can transform your daily routine, strengthen your mental well-being, and open up a world of new perspectives. The journey of language learning is its own reward, and its positive impact on your life can be felt each and every day.

References:

Bialystok, E., Craik, F. I. M., & Luk, G. (2012). Bilingualism: Consequences for Mind and Brain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 16(4), 240-250.
Bak, T. H. (2014). The impact of bilingualism on cognitive ageing and dementia. Bilingualism: Language and Cognition, 17(3), 572-574.

​In the span of just one week, I encountered two stories that left me deeply disturbed—stories that highlight a harsh reality many people face in their workplaces today. The first was about a woman who tragically passed away in her office cubicle and wasn’t discovered for four days. Let that sink in for a moment. This is someone who was so invisible in her workplace that no one noticed her absence for nearly a week.
​
As if that wasn’t alarming enough, I then read about Chris Ellison, a billionaire CEO of an Australian mining company. Ellison recently made headlines for expressing his desire to keep his employees "captive" in the office. He has banned working from home and wants to prevent his employees from even stepping outside the building for a coffee break, all in the name of saving his company a few dollars. This isn’t just poor management—it’s a profound disregard for human dignity.

These stories are stark reminders that no job is worth sacrificing your health, well-being, or personal power. If you find yourself working under a boss like Ellison, it’s time to seriously consider walking away. Here’s why.

Your Health and Well-Being Are Non-Negotiable

The kind of management style that seeks to exert absolute control over employees is toxic, and its effects on health are well-known. Employees under authoritarian leadership often report significantly higher stress levels and more physical health issues compared to those in more supportive environments.
When a boss prioritizes productivity over your well-being, demanding that you stay in the office for long hours without reprieve, they are actively contributing to an environment that can harm your mental and physical health. Chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout are not badges of honor; they are red flags that something is deeply wrong. No job is worth sacrificing your health for, and if your workplace leaves you feeling drained, trapped, or constantly anxious, it’s a clear sign that you need to find an environment that values your well-being as much as your work.

You Deserve Autonomy and Respect

Workplace autonomy isn’t just a luxury—it’s essential for job satisfaction and personal growth. A boss who micromanages every aspect of your workday—who even dictates whether you can leave the office for a coffee break—is not showing leadership. They are displaying control, often driven by insecurity, lack of trust, or an obsession with power.
Authoritarian leadership significantly stifles employee creativity and innovation. When employees are micromanaged and stripped of autonomy, they are less likely to engage in creative problem-solving and more likely to feel disengaged from their work.
Respect for your time and autonomy is a basic requirement for a healthy work environment. A boss who disregards this, who treats employees as mere cogs in a machine, does not deserve your loyalty. You are not a prisoner; you have the right to work in an environment where your skills are valued, your autonomy is respected, and your time is yours to manage.

You’re More Than Your Job: Protect Your Work-Life Balance

Work-life balance is more than just a buzzword; it’s a vital component of a fulfilling life. The push against remote work and flexible hours, as seen in Ellison’s approach, is a direct attack on this balance. By insisting that employees remain physically present in the office at all times, such managers blur the line between work and personal life, making it nearly impossible to disconnect and recharge.
Autocratic management styles have a severe impact on work-life balance. Employees in such environments often report difficulty in maintaining healthy relationships and personal time, leading to decreased overall life satisfaction and increased risk of burnout.
When work begins to consume all your time and energy, it can lead to a loss of identity outside of your job. This is dangerous because it reduces your life to a single dimension—your role as an employee. Remember, you are more than your job. Protecting your time outside of work is crucial for maintaining relationships, hobbies, and the rest that you need to sustain long-term productivity and happiness.

Reclaim Your Power: Don’t Let a Toxic Boss Define Your Worth

​Perhaps the most insidious aspect of working under a controlling boss is the gradual erosion of your sense of self-worth. Over time, you may start to believe that you need to conform to their unreasonable demands to be successful or valuable. This is a dangerous and false narrative.
Toxic leadership, characterized by excessive control and manipulation, can lead to significant declines in employee well-being, including increased feelings of worthlessness and decreased job satisfaction. A good manager empowers, inspires, and trusts their employees. A toxic manager, on the other hand, seeks to dominate and control. If your boss is more interested in holding you “captive” than helping you grow, it’s a clear sign that they are using their position to exert power over you, rather than to guide or mentor you.
You have the power to choose who you work for and what kind of environment you are willing to tolerate. Don’t give up that power to someone who doesn’t respect it.

Consider the Big Picture: What Are You Really Giving Up?

​Before you decide to stay in a toxic work environment, ask yourself: What am I giving up to stay here? Is it worth sacrificing your health, happiness, and sense of self for a paycheck? Is the stress and anxiety worth the toll it takes on your relationships and personal life?
Often, people stay in toxic jobs because they feel they have no other option or because they’ve been conditioned to believe that this is just how work is supposed to be. This can sometimes resemble a form of psychological captivity, where employees feel an irrational sense of obligation to their work, akin to Stockholm Syndrome. They become mentally captive, not just physically, feeling an overwhelming duty to meet their boss's demands, even at the expense of their own well-being. I’ll be writing more about this in future posts, but it’s crucial to recognize these signs in your own life now.
There are workplaces out there that value their employees, that understand the importance of balance, autonomy, and respect. Don’t settle for less.

A Book Recommendation: The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson

​To anyone who’s found themselves under the thumb of a toxic boss, or who simply wants to understand the mindset of such individuals, I highly recommend reading The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson. In this fascinating book, Ronson explores the world of psychopathy, including how some individuals who rise to power in business may exhibit traits that are shockingly similar to those of clinical psychopaths. It’s an eye-opening read that may help you recognize when a leader’s behavior crosses the line from strict management to something far more sinister.

Final Thoughts

​Nothing is worth more than your well-being. If you find yourself in a work environment that devalues you as a person, please consider your options carefully. Life is too short, and too precious, to spend it working for someone who doesn’t respect you. Don’t give your power to a stranger.

Remember, you deserve better. Protect your health, reclaim your power, and never settle for a job that makes you feel anything less than valued.

​Throughout my career in psychology, I've observed a fascinating trend: certain therapeutic approaches seem to come into "fashion," capturing the interest of both professionals and the public alike. When I was deeply involved in research, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was the approach du jour. It’s interesting to note that CBT was originally developed more as a tool than a standalone therapy. Its clarity, structured approach, and ease of measurement in the short term contributed to its widespread adoption, notably within frameworks like the National Health Service. Yet, despite its popularity, CBT, like any approach, has its limitations.

Following the CBT wave, mindfulness-based therapies gained prominence. However, this trend didn’t seem to hold its ground as long, transitioning more into a general practice of mindfulness rather than a structured therapeutic approach. Now, in the past few years, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy has risen to the forefront, perhaps propelled by its visibility on social media platforms. This surge in interest prompted me to explore IFS more deeply, especially in comparison to Transactional Analysis (TA), my area of specialization.

​Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy was developed in the 1980s by Richard Schwartz, a family therapist who observed that clients often described their internal conflicts in ways that mirrored family dynamics. This led him to conceptualize the mind as consisting of multiple parts, each with distinct roles and functions, similar to members of a family.
It is important to say, that translating family dynamics into the internal process had by that time already been done in other therapeutic approaches.

However, as I delved deeper into Schwartz's IFS model, I noticed that it heavily incorporates techniques and concepts from established therapies, notably Transactional Analysis (TA) and Gestalt Therapy. In his book, Schwartz describes techniques that are pure Gestalt Therapy interventions but labels them as IFS. This mislabeling can be misleading and fails to acknowledge the original sources of these techniques. Similar has been done with Positive Psychology concepts.

Moreover, in one part of his book, Schwartz provides an example of a client experiencing what is known in Transactional Analysis as a "script backlash." In TA, a script backlash refers to the client's resistance or negative reaction to therapeutic progress, often reflecting internal conflicts and unresolved issues. This backlash is crucial to explore and address, rather than overlook or misinterpret, as it provides valuable insights into the client's internal dynamics and potential barriers to change.

​One thing that stands out to me about IFS Therapy is its prescriptive nature. Schwartz categorizes the psyche into various parts, including Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters, each with specific roles and functions. This structured roadmap is meant to help clients navigate their internal world.

While this approach can offer clarity and direction for some clients, it also has its drawbacks. It requires a significant level of buy-in from clients, who must accept and work within this predefined structure. This can be limiting, as it may stifle clients' ability to explore and integrate their experiences in a more fluid and individualized manner. Additionally, the rigid categorization can lead to client dependency on the IFS framework and therapist's guidance, potentially hindering their development of independent self-awareness and coping strategies. Clients might feel constrained by the predefined roles and functions assigned to their internal parts, potentially stifling their creativity and self-discovery.

​A significant critique by of IFS Therapy is the failure to adequately acknowledge the origins of the concepts and techniques it borrows from other therapeutic modalities. For instance, the idea of internal parts closely parallels the ego states in Transactional Analysis, where Schwartz takes the concept further by renaming and slightly modifying the sub-parts.
I found a repackaging of well-established techniques, presenting them as unique to IFS. This lack of acknowledgment for the foundational work done by the developers of TA, Gestalt Therapy, and others, is a concern. Recognizing and honoring the contributions of these modalities is crucial for maintaining integrity and humility within the field of psychotherapy.

​IFS Therapy's approach of dividing the self into multiple parts contrasts with the goal of integration in traditional psychotherapy. While IFS emphasizes understanding and harmonizing these parts, traditional approaches like Transactional Analysis and Gestalt Therapy aim to integrate the various aspects of the self into a cohesive whole.

Fragmenting the self into distinct parts can have limitations, such as reinforcing a sense of disconnection or compartmentalization. It is important for therapists to foster a holistic understanding of the individual, helping clients integrate their experiences and develop a unified sense of self. This approach can support clients in achieving greater self-awareness, resilience, and emotional well-being.

​A concerning trend that I have observed with the rise of IFS is the increasing number of life coaches who are attempting to do psychotherapy, calling themselves IFS coaches. This is nothing new, and has been done with many other therapeutic approaches.  This is particularly troubling because coaching is not therapy. While coaching can be beneficial for certain aspects of personal development, it lacks the depth and rigor required for addressing serious psychological issues.

Moreover, some of these IFS coaches are engaging in trauma work, which requires specialized training and expertise. Trauma work is complex and delicate, and mishandling it can have severe consequences for clients such as retraumatization. It’s essential to distinguish between coaching and therapy and ensure that only qualified professionals undertake therapeutic interventions, especially when dealing with trauma.

I have decided not to offer people IFS therapy. The reason for this decision is that I value people's autonomy and independence too much. Ultimately, as a psychotherapist, whatever my client's goal is, mine, for the client, is always autonomy and independence and for my clients to be whole and authentic. The prescriptive nature of IFS just doesn't sit well with me.

I have heard that people have had good experiences with IFS. However, I have also  observed a significant amount of defragmentation and disconnection from the self. While the concept provides a structured approach, it may not foster the holistic integration that I believe is crucial for genuine healing and self-awareness.

It is essential to critically examine whether new schools of thought and therapies represent genuine innovations or are simply tweaks of existing concepts.

Ultimately, the most effective therapy is not the one that's most in vogue, but the one that resonates with an individual's unique journey towards healing and self-discovery. Conducting proper research to support therapeutic interventions is crucial for ensuring their efficacy and ethical application.
​Trust in the process of discovering what truly works for you.

With Valentine’s Day coming closer I am aware that this day is not celebrated by everyone.
I’d like to encourage you to look at this article not just from a couple perspective, but also from how you can apply what I will be sharing with you to other relationships — where appropriate.
Going with the theme of relationships, I want to talk to you about how a couple’s nervous systems can interact with each other. That’s right! How our nervous systems interact can have a big impact on our relationships, and our mental and physical health.
So what’s it all about?Studies have shown that when two people are in a relationship, their nervous systems are constantly interacting with each other. For example, one study published in the journal “Psychoneuroendocrinology” found that when couples hold hands, their heart rate and stress levels decrease (Light et al., 2005). Another study published in the “Journal of Social Psychology” found that couples who hug and touch each other regularly experience lower levels of stress and anxiety (Grewen et al., 2005).
What does this mean for couples? It means that by co-regulating each other’s nervous systems, couples can help to reduce stress and promote relaxation. But what exactly is co-regulation? Co-regulation is the process of supporting and balancing each other’s nervous systems.
The positive impact of a regulated nervous system

1. Reduced stress and anxiety
2. Improved sleep
3. Increased immunity
4. Improved digestion
5. Increased focus and concentration
6. Better physical performance

How does that look in practice?Here are five examples:

1. Slow breathing: Slow breathing is a simple and effective way for couples to co-regulate. By breathing in sync with each other, couples can help to reduce stress and promote relaxation. (Gustafsson et al., 2015).
2. Touch: Touch is a powerful tool for co-regulation. Whether it’s holding hands, cuddling, or simply giving each other a hug.(Feldman et al., 2015).
3. Spending time in nature: Spending time in nature. Whether it’s going for a walk in the park or simply sitting outside, nature can help to calm our nervous systems (Nisbet et al., 2011).
4. Sharing emotions: Sharing your emotions with your partner. By talking about how you’re feeling, couples can help each other to understand and regulate their emotions (Jacobsen et al., 2011).
5. Practicing mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness together can help to promote co-regulation. Whether it’s through meditation, yoga, or simply paying attention to your breath, mindfulness can help couples reduce stress. (Hofmann et al., 2013).

What else can you think of that might help you and your partner co-regulate? Do you have any advice or tips you’d like to share?

​Whether you struggle with low self-esteem or want to improve your relationships and/or leadership style, knowing your character strengths and becoming familiar with strength-based tools will be the greatest tools you can add to your life tool box. 
Here are some ways to find your strengths and live life with purpose!

​What is Strengths-Based Psychology?
Strengths-based psychology is an approach to psychology that sees people as more than just a set of problems to be fixed. Rather, it focuses on what can be done to help people become their best selves, both in terms of relating to others and being productive.
A great assessment you can take to learn more about your character strenghts is the VIA Character Strengths Survey. There, you will get to know what your top 5 Character Strengths are. 

​Next, explore how these strengths might manifest themselves in your life. What would happen if you put more effort into using your natural talents? Would it have any effect on the people around you? 
Use daily gratitude practice to also reflect on your day in terms of what character strengths you have used. Maybe you had to negiotiate something or compromise. In this sitiuation you might have shown empathy, social intelligence and communication skills. Or maybe you cooked dinner for friends or family, in which case you could have used your kindness, generosity and creativity. See, it's that easy.

How strengths-based approaches can combat negativity bias
I have a theory. What we focus on the most influences our neural pathways. The more we work in a certain way, the harder it is to deviate away from that. Therapists and coaches with an attitude as the one above are not only making it harder to let go of the negative, but can unintentionally prevent their clients from moving into a place of flourishing. It is a self-feeding negativity loop.
Let's look at what happens when you add an awareness of character strengths into your everyday life: 
You learn to identify your wins easier. Your brain has plasticity, you are training your brain to identify not only your own, but other people's strengths. By doing that you are enhancing the strength of gratitude and appreciation. As a result your relationships become more positive, deeper and more meaningful. You experience what we call “Positivity Resonance”, a positive bonding experience. As a result your self-esteem grows. It's an endless upward spiral into florishing. And yet, so many practitioners refuse to incorporate this into their work. 
You might be saying:"But I don't want to run around with rose-tinted glasses!" Don't worry, your brain has an inbuilt negativity bias to protect your from harm. All that positive approaches do is to shift your perception and vision into “reality”. You see the whole spectrum, not just the negative. It's like getting a new pair of glasses but for your life.

​Why people get stuck in therapy
Let me share an experience I had a few weeks ago during a training weekend for a course I am currently taking: 
One of the tasks we have been given is to do a 20-minute presentation on a topic we feel passionate about. We are asked to suggest topics and then the whole group would vote on what presentations to take further. A majority of the topics were on, yes, you guessed it, problems and difficulties. I suggested positive psychology. There was zero reaction and zero interest from fellow psychotherapists. To me, this is a disappointment, but no surprise. Therapists can also get stuck in a negativity bias loop.
In humanistic therapies Positive Psychology can often be perceived as a fad and “not deep enough”. The vast amounts of scientific evidence are being discounted. 
The majority of my clients are people who have been stuck in therapy but want to give it one more final try. They often report that their therapist kept looking backwards instead of towards a better future. They have gained more awareness in therapy but still don't know how to move forward. When they mentioned that they don't want to look into the past anymore, the therapist would see that as a defence and make that the focus of the session. It's time to work differently. Fixing a problem is not automatically creating something good.

Strengths-based leadership today
I don't usually bring politics into my emails, but here we have a perfect example of great leadership. One of the most inspiring leaders of today is Volodymyr Zelenskyy. His resolve, defiance and resilience is not just inspiring and moving the Ukrainian people, but it is also touching the entire world. How does he do that? 
Yes, we feel empathy seeing the pictures of destruction. People fleeing and seeking refuge. But there is another aspect that touches us: People are being seen and heard. Zelenskyy keeps reminding not only his people but other world leaders and their citizens of their humanity, their character and their strengths. He talks of loyalty, humanity, faith, trust, bravery, perseverance, love, kindness, fairness, leadership, gratitude, hope and even brings in humor in the darkest of times. He sees and appreciates the support he gets and  asks for what he and his people need whilst at the same time not being afraid to also critize without hate. This is why we identify. And this is why we are so moved to show support, civilians take up arms and build defenses, people take refugees into their homes. 
If a country's leader can do all that, imagine what you can do.

​A litte exercise for you to do with a friend
Get together with a friend or your partner and each share for one minute a story of when you were at your best. Try to listen to what strengths the other has exhibited and note them down. After each of you has shared their story, read to eachother the strengths you have identified and evidence them by pointing to the story. Reflect on how this made you feel. Did you feel seen? Did you feel appreciated? Did it feel good to focus on the positives of your friend or partner?

Setting boundaries can include choosing what you want from your life and deciding who deserves to share those parts with you. The hard thing about setting boundaries is that many people might not like them. You must be true to yourself and do what is best for you as an individual, even if it means disappointing others. Here are some ways to start going through the process of setting healthy boundaries in your life.​ 

 Why Boundaries Are Necessary
Setting boundaries is crucial because it gives you the freedom to make choices without feeling pressured. Boundaries are what keep us from doing things we might regret. When you hold others responsible for their actions, they are less likely to try taking advantage of you. Setting boundaries also ensures that other people understand that you have your own life and don't need them to take care of you. You deserve to live a life where you can fully be yourself, not just an extension of another person's desires.
 
Define your boundaries
One of the first steps to setting boundaries is to think about what you want. Think about what your boundaries are and how they might affect your life. For example, do you want more free time? If so, you might need to free yourself off from something or someone to consider what you really want. That might be the friend who consistently turns up when they want something but then disappear when you need them. Or it might be a project that takes your time but doesn’t go anywhere and needs re-evaluating. It could even be your job.
 
Another important step in the process is to think about how your boundaries will be received. It can be difficult to set boundaries with people who have been close to us for a long time, but it's crucial if those people don't respect your needs or wants.
 
I remember a client many years ago who, whenever she met a certain friend for coffee, ended up paying. Her friend always had an excuse. At first, my client felt guilty even thinking about the fact that her friend might be taking advantage of her. This is the kind of generous person she was. She was too anxious to have a straightforward chat with her friend about what is happening as she did not want to sound accusatory and possibly lose that friend. There was of course much more to unwrap there, but for now, we needed a quick solution so I set her a challenge: Next time you go for a coffee only take enough money to pay for your drink. Don’t take cards. She was so conditioned by her friend’s unwillingness to take responsibility for her bill that she straight away got worried about her friend: “What if she really didn’t bring any money and then she will be in trouble?”
“Did you say you are inviting her for a coffee?”, I asked.
No, she didn’t. Her friend keeps saying that next time she will pay but then ends up finding another excuse not to and my client keeps paying the bill. “I promise you, she will have money, “ I reassured her.
One week later my client returned with a smile: “I did what you suggested. It was hard. When it came to paying my friend said she forgot her purse. Because I only took enough for my coffee I had no choice but not to rescue her as usual. Miraculously my friend found her card in her handbag.” It was time to re-evaluate that friendship and to have an honest and open conversation.
 
This is only a small example of how we can even get conditioned to having our boundaries violated and then being taken advantage of.
 
Consider whether or not you are willing to let people go if they don't agree with the boundaries that you have set. Remember that this does not necessarily mean being unfriendly or cutting people out of your life entirely; it just means being true to yourself and doing what’s best for you as an individual, even if it means disappointing others.
 
Create a plan to follow through on your boundaries
It can be hard to set boundaries, but it is possible. There are two parts to the process that will make setting boundaries successful. First, you must assess your current situation and relationships. This includes specific things like whether you want a relationship with someone, whether friendship, romantically or professionally. Think about what your ideal relationship with this person or situation is.  Next, create an action plan for how you'll follow through on these boundaries. Whatever boundary you create, find out how to follow through on it and then do it!
Take action and tell people your boundaries
When someone does something you don't like, let them know how you feel about the situation. For example, if a friend asks for money every time they see you and that gets old quickly, let them know that you don't have any more money to give them. Be honest and direct with the person, but stay calm throughout the interaction. Another way to set healthy boundaries is by being clear about what your expectations are for different situations in your life. If someone wants some of your time or attention, be clear about when you are available or what kind of attention you are willing to give them.
 
What if no one wants to respect my boundaries?
If you set a boundary but no one wants to respect it, it may be time to re-evaluate. If you have tried setting boundaries with someone and they continue to push back or violate your boundary, then it may be time to reconsider the friendship or partnership. On the other hand, if the person respects your boundaries, then that’s great! You have found someone who will give you the space that you need.
 
Boundaries are key to healthy relationships and avoiding negative feelings. Setting boundaries with those around you, as well as with yourself, can be difficult. But it is possible to set boundaries and still have the relationships you want. Setting boundaries is the perfect testing ground to see if a relationship works for you or not.
 
When is the last time you evaluated your boundaries?