The other day, I was listening to a podcast where the host made a point that resonated deeply with me: the importance of giving and receiving compliments. They talked about how, if it feels difficult to compliment yourself, you can start by appreciating others. Sometimes, through this simple act of kindness, you begin to see your own value reflected back.
This got me thinking about an experience I had growing up. In one of the schools I attended, compliments weren’t just rare—they were actively ridiculed. If you complimented someone, it wasn’t seen as kind or thoughtful. Instead, you were mocked, branded as weak, and made to feel embarrassed for showing appreciation. Kindness wasn’t celebrated; it was perceived as a form of vulnerability, something to be avoided.

Toughness Norms: When Kindness Equals Weakness
This painful experience reflects a dynamic that’s not uncommon in certain social environments. Psychologists refer to it as “toughness norms,” where competition, dominance, and self-reliance are valued above empathy and connection. In these settings, kindness—or even something as simple as a compliment—can be seen as a sign of weakness.
This phenomenon aligns with social dominance theory (Sidanius & Pratto, 1999), which explains how hierarchies within groups are maintained. In environments that prioritize toughness, compliments or other acts of kindness may break the unspoken rules of dominance and self-sufficiency. Instead of fostering connection, these norms discourage expressions of warmth and appreciation, often leading to ridicule or social exclusion.
The Impact on Self-Worth
Growing up in an environment where compliments are mocked or discouraged can have a profound impact on how we perceive and give appreciation later in life. Compliments are more than just polite gestures; they’re acknowledgments of worth, skill, and connection. Research shows that positive reinforcement like compliments is critical for building self-esteem and fostering strong social bonds (Wood et al., 2010).
However, when we’re shamed for complimenting others—or receiving compliments—it can create a lasting discomfort with appreciation. People might begin to question the sincerity of compliments or feel awkward and suspicious of the giver’s motives. Instead of feeling uplifted, they may feel embarrassed or doubtful. Over time, this discomfort can erode self-esteem, making it harder to accept genuine praise.
Shifting from Toughness to Connection
So how do we break the cycle of compliment shaming and embrace appreciation as a tool for connection and self-worth?
1. Normalize Compliments
When you give a compliment, recognize that the other person may struggle to accept it. Providing specific, evidence-based compliments can make a big difference. For example, instead of saying “You’re so kind,” say, “I really appreciated your kindness when you helped me with X.” By tying the compliment to observable actions, it becomes harder for the recipient to dismiss it as insincere.
2. Learn to Receive Compliments
Accepting compliments can be just as challenging as giving them. Practice saying “thank you” without brushing off the praise or deflecting it with self-deprecation. The more you accept compliments, the more comfortable you’ll become with them.
3. Recognize Peer Pressure and Push Back
If you find yourself in environments where compliments are discouraged or mocked, be mindful of the social dynamics at play. Sometimes, simply continuing to show appreciation can inspire others to do the same, slowly shifting the group’s norms.
4. Compliment Yourself
Start small by acknowledging your own achievements and strengths. Reflect on qualities you’re proud of or things you’ve done well. Over time, this practice can build self-compassion and make it easier to appreciate yourself and others.
Moving Forward: Let’s Start a Conversation
If you’ve ever struggled with giving or receiving compliments, know that you’re not alone. Many of us have experienced this in different ways, and breaking the cycle can be a powerful step toward fostering connection and self-worth.
I’d love to hear your thoughts:

• Have you ever felt uncomfortable giving or receiving a compliment?
• What’s your relationship with compliments like?

I’ve also created a short survey to explore this topic further. It only takes a few minutes, and your responses will help spark a larger conversation about how we can embrace compliments in our lives.
Click here to take the survey
Feel free to share the survey with friends, loved ones, or anyone who might find this topic meaningful. In a future article, I’ll share the results and explore what they reveal about our collective relationship with compliments.
Thank you for reading and reflecting with me. I look forward to hearing your stories and insights!

​This past month, I decided to dive into learning a new language—Norwegian. I’ve always had a passion for languages, but this time, I chose to keep it simple and use a language app. While it might not be the most optimal method, it has been an incredibly fun and fulfilling experience. Reflecting on these past few weeks, I’ve been reminded of just how much joy and vitality language learning can bring into daily life.

A Morning Routine That Makes a Difference
Every morning, after finishing my morning pages, I spend about half an hour practicing Norwegian. This simple addition to my routine has added an unexpected layer of positivity and energy to my days. It’s remarkable how small victories—mastering a tricky word, getting the pronunciation of a phrase just right, or understanding a complex sentence—can spark a sense of joy and accomplishment.

What’s even more fascinating is how learning a new language fulfills various aspects of the PERMA-V model of positive psychology:

• Positive Emotion: Each new word or sentence learned offers a burst of happiness and pride. Starting the day with this feeling sets a positive tone and makes the morning brighter.
• Engagement: Language learning brings me into a state of flow. During those 30 minutes, I am completely absorbed in the task. Time flies by so quickly that I often have to remind myself to stop! This level of immersion is not just satisfying; it’s deeply nourishing for mental well-being.
• Vitality: Language learning is not only fun; it’s incredibly healthy for the brain. Research shows that acquiring new skills, particularly languages, can enhance cognitive function and mental agility. For instance, studies indicate that bilingual individuals exhibit better cognitive flexibility and memory (Bialystok et al., 2012). Additionally, engaging in language learning has been linked to delaying the onset of age-related cognitive decline (Bak, 2014). Knowing that this daily practice is boosting my cognitive health adds an extra layer of vitality to my routine.

Beyond these immediate benefits, language learning also promotes increased empathy and cultural awareness. Exploring a new language opens up different perspectives and ways of thinking, fostering a greater understanding of diverse cultures and worldviews.

The Benefits of Daily Language Learning
Learning a new language every day is about so much more than just the final goal of fluency. It’s the daily practice and the journey itself that bring immense value. The process of consistently engaging with a new language cultivates joy, mindfulness, and a sense of accomplishment.

Incorporating this practice into a morning routine provides a significant boost of energy and excitement for the day ahead. It becomes a daily act of self-care, reminding us that personal growth doesn’t always have to be a grind. Instead, it can be something we look forward to—something that enriches our lives in multiple dimensions.

In addition to the mental benefits, language learning offers social and emotional rewards. As we learn a new language, we often gain a deeper appreciation of our own language and culture. This experience can lead to a more profound sense of empathy for others, especially for those who navigate different languages and cultural contexts.

How to Start Reaping the Benefits
If you’re considering learning a new language, know that even small, consistent efforts can lead to significant rewards. Here’s how to make the most of your language-learning journey:

• Set a Routine: Incorporate language learning into your daily routine, whether it’s in the morning, during lunch breaks, or in the evening. Consistency is key to making progress and feeling the benefits over time.
• Use a Variety of Resources: While apps are a great starting point, consider exploring other resources like podcasts, YouTube videos, or language exchange groups for a richer, more immersive experience.
• Celebrate Small Wins: Progress in language learning comes from the small, incremental steps. Celebrate each new word, phrase, or concept you master. Acknowledging these victories reinforces positive emotion and motivation to continue.
• Engage Your Curiosity: Use the process of learning a new language as an opportunity to explore different cultures. Dive into the music, films, literature, and customs associated with the language you’re studying. This not only makes learning more engaging but also broadens your cultural horizons.

Embrace the Benefits of Language Learning
The experience of learning a new language offers a multitude of benefits that go far beyond simply acquiring a new skill. It enriches daily life with moments of joy and accomplishment, enhances cognitive health, and fosters a deeper sense of empathy and cultural appreciation. It’s an ongoing journey that nourishes the mind and spirit, reminding us that growth can be both enjoyable and profoundly fulfilling.

So, if you’re thinking about picking up a new language, know that you’re not just learning words and grammar—you’re engaging in an activity that can transform your daily routine, strengthen your mental well-being, and open up a world of new perspectives. The journey of language learning is its own reward, and its positive impact on your life can be felt each and every day.

References:

Bialystok, E., Craik, F. I. M., & Luk, G. (2012). Bilingualism: Consequences for Mind and Brain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 16(4), 240-250.
Bak, T. H. (2014). The impact of bilingualism on cognitive ageing and dementia. Bilingualism: Language and Cognition, 17(3), 572-574.

​This week, I found myself reflecting on something that comes up a lot in my sessions with clients—hustle culture and the impact it has on people. Recently, a couple of clients shared their experiences with hustle-style coaching, and it reminded me of a common pattern I’ve seen over time. This isn’t just about life coaching; it also happens in fitness, career development, and personal growth. Today, I want to talk about the differences between the hustle mentality and more sustainable, positive approaches because I see the effects so often in my work.

What Happens with Hustle Culture
Hustle culture is all about pushing through. It’s that “all or nothing” mentality that says you have to keep grinding, keep pushing yourself, and maintain extreme discipline to succeed. And for many people, it works—for a while. They see quick results, whether it’s weight loss, career advancement, or achieving personal goals. That initial success can feel empowering, like all the hard work is paying off.

But here’s where the problem begins. The hustle mentality often doesn’t allow room for rest, reflection, or flexibility. It’s built on the idea that discipline alone is the key to success, and if you stop, even for a moment, you’re failing. For many people, this leads to burnout. They find themselves exhausted, unable to keep up with the demands they’ve set for themselves or that a coach has imposed on them.

What’s worse is that when this happens, people often blame themselves. Instead of recognizing that the approach they’re using is unsustainable, they think they’ve failed because they weren’t disciplined enough or strong enough to stick with it. The inner critic becomes louder, and feelings of inadequacy take over. People start thinking, “I’m just not good enough,” or “I need to work harder,” when really, it’s the method itself that’s flawed.

The Impact of Quick-Fix Coaching
In fitness coaching, for example, I’ve seen clients follow programs that promise quick results—rapid weight loss, major body transformations. At first, they feel excited by the immediate progress. But these programs often demand extreme discipline, with rigid rules and no room for personal adjustment. Eventually, the results slow down or plateau, and people feel like they’ve lost momentum. That’s when burnout sets in, and they start to feel like they’ve failed, blaming themselves for not keeping up.

Similarly, in career or personal development coaching, hustle culture can push people to overwork themselves. They might see quick wins—like landing a promotion or hitting a big career milestone—but they’re constantly pushing at full speed. Without time for reflection or self-care, they lose balance. When progress stalls or stress takes over, they feel defeated, as though they should have been able to keep going without breaking down.

Why Positive, Sustainable Approaches Work Better
There’s a big difference between this “hustle” mentality and a more sustainable, positive psychology approach. In my work, I focus on helping clients develop skills and habits that they can maintain over the long term. It’s not about quick wins or extreme discipline. Instead, it’s about understanding their strengths, working with their natural tendencies, and focusing on self-care and balance.

Here’s why this matters:

• Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Hustle culture often fuels the inner critic, making people feel like they’re not good enough when they can’t keep up. In contrast, a positive approach helps people develop self-compassion, recognizing that growth doesn’t have to be a grind, and it’s okay to move at a slower, more manageable pace.
• Sustainability vs. Burnout: While hustle culture leads to quick wins followed by burnout, sustainable approaches focus on gradual progress. When people work with their strengths and build healthy habits, they’re more likely to keep going without burning out.
• Lasting Confidence vs. Temporary Success: Clients who follow strength-based, person-centered approaches often discover strengths they didn’t realize they had. This builds lasting confidence and self-esteem, rather than the temporary high that comes with quick wins. They feel empowered to keep going because they’re working with themselves, not against themselves.

Why People Blame Themselves
One of the hardest things for people to realize is that when burnout happens, it’s not their fault. The hustle mentality makes them believe that if they didn’t succeed, it’s because they didn’t try hard enough. But in reality, it’s because the system they were following wasn’t built to last. These quick-fix programs set people up for a cycle of early success followed by burnout and self-blame.

If you’ve ever felt this way—like you’re pushing yourself too hard and it’s still not enough—please know that it’s not about you lacking discipline or willpower. It’s about finding an approach that works for you in a sustainable way.

How to Shift to a Sustainable Approach
If you’re ready to move away from the hustle mentality and toward something that actually works long-term, here are a few things to consider:

1. Focus on Your Strengths: What are you naturally good at? Build your approach around those strengths rather than trying to force yourself to fit into a rigid program that doesn’t align with who you are.
2. Allow for Flexibility: It’s okay to adjust your goals or take a break when you need it. Growth isn’t linear, and sometimes slowing down is exactly what you need to keep going in the long run.
3. Check In with Yourself: Regularly ask yourself how you’re feeling—both physically and mentally. If you’re starting to feel burned out, it’s a sign to re-evaluate and maybe ease up a bit.
4. Celebrate Small Wins: Progress is progress, no matter how small. Celebrate the steps you’re taking rather than focusing only on the big milestones. This helps you stay motivated without the pressure to achieve everything at once.
5. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. If you’re feeling drained or unmotivated, don’t beat yourself up. Recognize that it’s normal to feel this way, and take time to care for yourself. Self-compassion is a key part of sustainable success.

The Positive Side of Sustainable Growth
I’ve seen clients achieve lasting change by focusing on these more balanced, self-compassionate approaches. Instead of chasing quick wins, they’re building habits that last and learning to appreciate the journey. Sustainable growth isn’t about perfection or pushing yourself to the limit—it’s about creating a path that works for you and allows you to feel good along the way.

If any of this resonates with you or you’ve found yourself stuck in a hustle cycle, I encourage you to take a step back and think about what’s really working for you. Lasting change doesn’t have to be painful. It can be rooted in self-care, awareness, and steady progress. And in the end, that’s where real growth happens.

I’d love to hear your thoughts or experiences with hustle culture and whether this resonates with you. Feel free to reach out anytime.

​Whether you struggle with low self-esteem or want to improve your relationships and/or leadership style, knowing your character strengths and becoming familiar with strength-based tools will be the greatest tools you can add to your life tool box. 
Here are some ways to find your strengths and live life with purpose!

​What is Strengths-Based Psychology?
Strengths-based psychology is an approach to psychology that sees people as more than just a set of problems to be fixed. Rather, it focuses on what can be done to help people become their best selves, both in terms of relating to others and being productive.
A great assessment you can take to learn more about your character strenghts is the VIA Character Strengths Survey. There, you will get to know what your top 5 Character Strengths are. 

​Next, explore how these strengths might manifest themselves in your life. What would happen if you put more effort into using your natural talents? Would it have any effect on the people around you? 
Use daily gratitude practice to also reflect on your day in terms of what character strengths you have used. Maybe you had to negiotiate something or compromise. In this sitiuation you might have shown empathy, social intelligence and communication skills. Or maybe you cooked dinner for friends or family, in which case you could have used your kindness, generosity and creativity. See, it's that easy.

How strengths-based approaches can combat negativity bias
I have a theory. What we focus on the most influences our neural pathways. The more we work in a certain way, the harder it is to deviate away from that. Therapists and coaches with an attitude as the one above are not only making it harder to let go of the negative, but can unintentionally prevent their clients from moving into a place of flourishing. It is a self-feeding negativity loop.
Let's look at what happens when you add an awareness of character strengths into your everyday life: 
You learn to identify your wins easier. Your brain has plasticity, you are training your brain to identify not only your own, but other people's strengths. By doing that you are enhancing the strength of gratitude and appreciation. As a result your relationships become more positive, deeper and more meaningful. You experience what we call “Positivity Resonance”, a positive bonding experience. As a result your self-esteem grows. It's an endless upward spiral into florishing. And yet, so many practitioners refuse to incorporate this into their work. 
You might be saying:"But I don't want to run around with rose-tinted glasses!" Don't worry, your brain has an inbuilt negativity bias to protect your from harm. All that positive approaches do is to shift your perception and vision into “reality”. You see the whole spectrum, not just the negative. It's like getting a new pair of glasses but for your life.

​Why people get stuck in therapy
Let me share an experience I had a few weeks ago during a training weekend for a course I am currently taking: 
One of the tasks we have been given is to do a 20-minute presentation on a topic we feel passionate about. We are asked to suggest topics and then the whole group would vote on what presentations to take further. A majority of the topics were on, yes, you guessed it, problems and difficulties. I suggested positive psychology. There was zero reaction and zero interest from fellow psychotherapists. To me, this is a disappointment, but no surprise. Therapists can also get stuck in a negativity bias loop.
In humanistic therapies Positive Psychology can often be perceived as a fad and “not deep enough”. The vast amounts of scientific evidence are being discounted. 
The majority of my clients are people who have been stuck in therapy but want to give it one more final try. They often report that their therapist kept looking backwards instead of towards a better future. They have gained more awareness in therapy but still don't know how to move forward. When they mentioned that they don't want to look into the past anymore, the therapist would see that as a defence and make that the focus of the session. It's time to work differently. Fixing a problem is not automatically creating something good.

Strengths-based leadership today
I don't usually bring politics into my emails, but here we have a perfect example of great leadership. One of the most inspiring leaders of today is Volodymyr Zelenskyy. His resolve, defiance and resilience is not just inspiring and moving the Ukrainian people, but it is also touching the entire world. How does he do that? 
Yes, we feel empathy seeing the pictures of destruction. People fleeing and seeking refuge. But there is another aspect that touches us: People are being seen and heard. Zelenskyy keeps reminding not only his people but other world leaders and their citizens of their humanity, their character and their strengths. He talks of loyalty, humanity, faith, trust, bravery, perseverance, love, kindness, fairness, leadership, gratitude, hope and even brings in humor in the darkest of times. He sees and appreciates the support he gets and  asks for what he and his people need whilst at the same time not being afraid to also critize without hate. This is why we identify. And this is why we are so moved to show support, civilians take up arms and build defenses, people take refugees into their homes. 
If a country's leader can do all that, imagine what you can do.

​A litte exercise for you to do with a friend
Get together with a friend or your partner and each share for one minute a story of when you were at your best. Try to listen to what strengths the other has exhibited and note them down. After each of you has shared their story, read to eachother the strengths you have identified and evidence them by pointing to the story. Reflect on how this made you feel. Did you feel seen? Did you feel appreciated? Did it feel good to focus on the positives of your friend or partner?

"Do not celebrate your success"

This is not a statement I am making, but it is a “correct” answer in an exam for a meditation course that I participated in. It is run by a yoga school. I call these kind of statements  spiritual gaslighting.
​
Let me tell you why celebrating your success is so important…

In my 13 years of working in mental health and coaching I have seen many people embarrassed of talking about their wins and successes. When I ask about their strengths they would often blush, their body language would change inward. You could feel the discomfort in the room.
 
Most of the time it was a fear of seeming big-headed or appearing as arrogant. I am not talking here about false humility, but of shame.
When this happens I tend to ask about times that were tough, how they overcame them as well as their achievements. Whilst my clients share their stories I look out for signs of strengths they will have used to overcome adversity and note them down on a small whiteboard in front of me, away from my clients' sight. At the end I turn around the whiteboard and show my clients what I have identified. Maybe you can imagine the shock on many faces. When I explain each strength I have spotted, I give an example from what they have told me that proves that this is not some “let's make you feel better” exercise, but instead an honest positive representation of themselves. Those are some of the most beautiful moments in our sessions.  Seeing someone else realize their worth right in front of you and transforming their self-esteem is priceless.
​
So why is it so difficult to celebrate?
 
Many of us tend to focus so much on the daily hustle and bustle and struggle to keep our heads down that we forget to celebrate the successes that we and others have achieved at work and in our private lives. Coupled with pseudo-spiritual statements as the above we are more likely to neglect celebrations. Many of us have never been taught to spot good character traits and strengths in ourelves or others. The effect: you start seeing your achievements negatively. If you focus on what you have not achieved and not on what you are doing, you are less likely to stick to the task and achieve your goals. By not noticing or downplaying your success, you tell yourself that you are doing nothing to be proud of and that you do not deserve to be celebrated. When we celebrate success, no matter how small a win is, we cultivate your success mentality. By telling yourself that success means success, you also succeed at building up your self-confidence and attitude to success.
 
There is a reason why it feels so good when we celebrate success, and it has to do with the neuro-happy chemicals in our brains. Dopamine is released into our brain when we expect to achieve something, and when we achieve it, it feels good, and we want more of it. This way you can condition yourself to seek out that experience again, potentially gaining momentum in productivity and growth.  Taking time to celebrate, not just your own successes, but also the ones of others can elevate your levels of oxytocin and endorphins, increase serotonin and lower cortisol which is responsible for stress. You also experience more moments of positivity resonance with the people around you. These are moments of positive connection that strengthens your bond.
 
How to celebrate if you are not used to it or if you feel shame about it?
Don’t wait for big wins that we have been conditioned to see as the only worthy ones of celebrating. Start celebrating small wins. Those small wins have a ripple effect.
 
Here are six ways you can start celebrating today:

1. You can start off celebrating just by yourself, with a cup of tea or coffee and just taking a little break and get yourself into the present moment.
2. How about a victory dance in the kitchen.
3. Relax and contemplate your win and how you got there. Reflect on your journey and try to identify the strengths you have shown to get you to your win. (Most people never think about their strengths unless they are preparing for a job interview).
4. You can share with a friend who you are close to and who you trust.
5. Say thank you to whoever has supported you in your journey.
6. Have gratitude journal or gratitude jar (yes, gratitude is another way of celebrating your success).

 
Once you are used to celebrating feel free to be more open about your wins and successes. Yes, you might experience envy here and there, but most people around you will join you in your celebration. You might even inspire others to aim for the same goals or to celebrate their own individual wins and successes.
 
Remember, whatever we do has a ripple effect. Just as much as teaching people that celebrating is not healthy can shut people down, sharing your joy and celebrating can teach people to experience healthy pride, increase their sense of self-confidence and bring people closer to each other. All starting off with one little celebration.